Seasons of Love and Grief

September is already on its way out and with any luck it will take with it the summer weather that has stuck around just a bit too long. We are officially into the fall and soon enough the weather will undoubtedly catch up. Without fail, the change of season from summer to fall is a trigger for me. It was the time when Joe's health started to decline and so the fall included the last times that he, Domani, and I ventured out as a family. This year, though, the summer, too, carried its own weight so as the calendar turned to September and I felt the usual stirrings, I also felt myself finally starting to process the months that had come before.

I have realized several helpful things.

One - Loss and grief are unpredictable and can never be packed up in a neat box. In many ways, I have born witness to the pain of loss and grief in the lives of my friends and family over the past several months. In my own home, I continue to engage with my son as he works to process his dad's death. The quote that keeps coming back to me is one of my favorites from Anne Lamott.

I am thankful for the ways that I have moved from mourning to joy in my own life even in the midst of additional losses and the distinct pain that comes with them. I am also glad that I have learned enough about myself and the ways I grieve that I can do it with patience and find the strength through my faith to be there for others who are experiencing a loss. 

Two - There are some people who are in our lives for just a season and that is perfectly fine. It's important to soak up all of the good from that time, learn lessons where applicable, and let go when the time is right. It was true for me in more than one way over the last few months and the letting go has opened itself up to more good than I could have thought possible in even this short time - new people, new experiences, personal growth, deeper relationships - in a word, it's been healthy. It makes me think back to the biggest example of this in my life so far - when I finally accepted the end of a toxic relationship only to open the door to reuniting with Joe. Expending energy on pieces of life that are better let go keeps that energy from all of those other healthier places. I'm relieved that I was able to leave behind the toxicity all of those years ago and to once again accept when the season called for change and the redirection of my energy now.

Three - Although a week plus at Disney World certainly tested the boundaries, I could not be more thankful for my family. All 10 of us took on Orlando for our family vacation this year and it was not lost on me how lucky I am to have a family I can enjoy myself with for that long in such a high stress environment.

While we were there, I watched my super-mom sister Karen navigate her 3 children all under the age of 7 around 8 days of Disney World, ensuring that they saw and did each thing they wanted to do. It was nothing short of miraculous and we have over 700 official Disney pictures to prove it. 

I watched my dad tear up as he witnessed his grandkids getting hugs from princesses and then laugh with joy while getting his own photo with Chewbacca. It was not too long ago that my dad couldn't even walk around the floor during his hospital stay let alone spend 6 days walking around Disney World. At that realization, I was the one with tears in my eyes. We had serious life conversations late into the night while lounging in the hot tub, played insanely competitive poker games wagering whatever random things were lying around the dining room, and covered more miles than I can count making memories that will last a lifetime.

A very happy Dad making friends with Chewbacca

I've always known that my family is something special. After all, not only can I survive a week at Disney World with them, but they inspire me, encourage me, hold me accountable, and love me unconditionally. But there has been something about these past few months that has made me realize on a deeper level just how fortunate I am to have such a close-knit, loving family in my life. They are a lifeline and God knows I need that right now more than I ever have before.

The whole family with Chewbacca

Heading out to the field to run the bases
 after our last game of the year!

Four - Baseball is still my oasis even when the Mets are awful. Whether it was Citifield, Citizens Bank Park, or PNC Park, taking in a Major League Baseball game this summer was one foolproof way to calm my nerves and reset anything else in my life that seemed off kilter. Now, the standings don't lie. This was a tough season to be a Mets fan. The injuries. The drama. The "trades". The losses after losses after losses. My Neil Walker shirt still teases me every time I flip through my closet. Domani's Lucas Duda growth chart stares at us from the wall each night when I put him to bed - a bed that has a Curtis Granderson fathead within reach in one direction and a Thor news article in the other. This season with its high expectations that came crashing down has felt like a million tiny papercuts that never stopped coming.

Waiting out a rain delay, finding some hope in a rainbow

Yet even on our worst days this season when it was nearly impossible to find a "fan" with a good word to say, I still had the privilege of enjoying baseball with my son. We did it for 20+ games between NYC and Philadelphia and because I never know when that privilege may be taken from us, I will never take it for granted. Domani is a smart and enthusiastic baseball fan. He studies statistics, watches replays, and now knows more about the Mets roster than I do. He cheers for his Mets in any and all circumstances. It is a pleasure going to games with him.

This season he decided that he wanted to choose an American League team to cheer for as well. To make his decision, he studied. He spent many weeks following statistics and standings, reading about players, and checking out replays from games. About two months ago, he chose the Twins. (There was, admittedly, quite a bit of lobbying from my co-worker Mr. Seth, although this only served to make Domani resistant initially.) I guess the good news now is that at least one of us has a team to cheer on into October. It also doesn't hurt my "Ya Gotta Believe" optimism that Mr. Seth's Twins finished last year with 103 losses, even worse than our Mets this year. Tonight, I watched them celebrate clinching a Wild Card spot. You never know what can happen in a year.

Showing off his Twins hat and batting stance

Five - When I think I can't, I still can. A running lesson re-learned. While I was training for the Philly Marathon in 2014 in hopes of qualifying for Boston I learned a lesson on a particularly tough 10 mile run that powered me through to qualifying then and still stays with me - "When I think I can't, I can." The problem is that recently I have been talking myself out of it in a hundred different circumstances. This past month I decided that no matter what I would not let that happen.

Earlier this year I had signed up for the Newport Jersey City Half Marathon because it was a package deal with the Newport 10k. I fully intended on doing some training for it, but I didn't. I have no good reason for not training. I just didn't. Even so, I am still in decent running shape and my doctor assured me the week before the race at my annual physical that all systems were go. So, I decided my mantra would be "when I think I can't, I can" and even though an Afghan Whigs show the night before got me into my Jersey City hotel at 3am I was at the start line and ready to go by the 8:30am gun time.

Mid-race selfie with the Statue of Liberty

It was my slowest half marathon ever. Slower than the first one I ran in Miami Beach for my birthday. Slower than the Disney World one when I stopped and took photos with characters. Slower than my slowest by over 5 minutes. But I felt so good about it. I hadn't run the distance in a year so completing the race at a steady pace left me feeling powerful again. I'm claiming it as a personal victory because that is exactly how it felt - a beautiful reminder that when I think I can't, I still can. I feel like it's a mantra I can start carrying again in my life and one that I can allow to seep in much deeper than just for running.

Six - Music is still my best medicine and concerts my ultimate church. All summer long I had been looking forward to the fall for one big reason - all of the concerts. Starting with The Afghan Whigs in September and ending with Voodoo Fest in New Orleans, I spent the summer listening to music and longing for my opportunity once again to hear it all live.

Brooklyn Steel. 9/16/17

The Afghan Whigs shows did not disappoint. Three shows, each of them unique. So many of my friends there with me. Music that stirred up all of the feelings. A meet and greet with special merch in Philly. The performance in its entirety of In Spades at The Bowery Ballroom. Front and center with some of my most favorite people for a rock your face off set at Brooklyn Steel. Remembering Dave Rosser with love alongside others who got it.

With Malinda. Philly. 9/12/17

Into The Floor. Philly. Viva La Rosser. 9/12/17

Live Afghan Whigs shows can keep me going for weeks except that this time my music high was interrupted by some shitty news. I couldn't even process it when I saw that Charles Bradley had died. I thought back to when I first saw him in September 2012 at ATP's I'll Be Your Mirror Festival in New York City. I stood near Greg Dulli watching him perform one of the most exciting sets I had ever heard. I remembered October 2014 when I saw him open for The Afghan Whigs at The Beacon Theatre. He was my favorite part of that show and by that point I knew the words to almost all of his songs I had listened to him so much. His music changed me that night and continues to change me as I listen to it today. It's almost as if I have little personal revelations whenever I listen to his songs. Before his cancer came back he had returned to touring and was scheduled to play at Voodoo Fest in October. His name on the lineup was one of the reasons I so wanted to be there. I'm going to miss the Screaming Eagle of Soul, but am so thankful that I can continue singing along with my decidedly worse voice to his soul-shaking music.

EPILOGUE - Over the past few days as I have been writing this post, Domani has taken an interest in having me read to him from this blog. It's a little overwhelming. It started out one night when he was feeling sad about missing his dad and wanted to hear some stories about him. Having already read him the many photo books we have multiple times, I got the idea to offer him something a little different. So, I pulled up a post from 5 years ago that had come up in my Facebook memories and I read it to him. We laughed and cried together. At several points I stopped and asked him if he wanted me to continue reading, which he did. We finished that first post and he wanted me to read more. The following night, he again wanted to hear one of the "poems" I wrote about his daddy. We read the post I wrote on the first anniversary of Joe's death. He especially loved the photos and the parts of the post that mentioned him. He told me when we were done that he wants me to keep reading to him about his daddy. Reading those posts to him was an incredibly bonding experience. I'm looking forward to more of it as he is ready.

Strength & Love - Living the Fall

I've spent a decent amount of time these past few weeks thinking back over life this time last year. For me, that has involved revisiting both my personal journal and the CaringBridge site I maintained for friends and family during the last two months of Joe's illness. I am now more thankful than ever that I was finally able to convince Joe in October of last year to let me to start the blog on CaringBridge because looking back on it is very meaningful. Joe was always relatively private about what was going on with him to the point that even some of his close friends and family members didn't realize exactly how serious his illness had gotten by the time the fall season was in full swing. Part of my hope in integrating these posts with my current blog is not so much to recall the difficulties of last fall, but to really remember the sweet moments, those times when even in the midst of pain, love was shining through in our lives.

I have found looking back on these blog posts to be a cathartic part of my grief journey because they are a way to remember Joe and how much strength and love he showed throughout his illness. Those things about him continue to be a model for me in my own life. It's so easy to lose perspective and call this my WORST day or complain about how EXHAUSTED I am or get ANGRY about the traffic or an issue at work. Revisiting these posts reminds me to re-focus on strength and love. So, I've decided to share some of these posts that had previously only been available on our protected CaringBridge site. I don't think I will necessarily share them all, but as I walk through this fall season which will inevitably lead to the cold winter and the one year mark of losing my Superman, I know I will somehow find comfort in walking through this season "with Joe".

Superman

Written Oct 13, 2011 3:12pm by Anne Luck-Deak

Many times over the past year and a half I have told Joe that he is my Superman and I think there is no time that has been more true than these past few weeks. After powering through intense radiation on his spine, he had surgery this past Tuesday to deal with the accumulating fluid in his lung. In the end, more than 2 liters of fluid was drained both through the surgery and using the catheter that was placed. (Imagine, a 2 liter bottle of soda - that's a LOT!) It's no wonder that he is now breathing easier!

In the midst of it all, we celebrated a very HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY with our little man and enjoyed all the love and support from family and friends. Domani enjoyed his birthday cupcake on Tuesday although he seemed more interested in eating his party hat (he'll learn)! The time has just gone by so quickly and we are looking forward to celebrating with the whole family this Saturday.

Joe started back with his chemo treatments today after a long hiatus for his radiation. Here's to hoping that this helps him find relief for some of his symptoms and that he is able to fully enjoy the party on Saturday.

Hurry Up and Wait

Written Oct 15, 2011 1:40am by Anne Luck-Deak

On Thursday, Joe resumed his maintenance chemo with the hope that it will get him back on track after a month and half with no chemo treatments while he received radiation to his spine. He is tired and still experiencing some side effects from being off the maintenance chemo for so long, but we are hopeful this will start to get the tumors back under control. We will just have to wait and see.

Thanks for all your support over this past week especially - it has not been an easy one for us. What a blessing though that in the midst of a tough week like this we were able to celebrate the birthday of our own little miracle. Domani is growing up so fast and we treasure every moment we get to spend with him. Extra hugs to you all today!

Happy Birthday, Domani

Written Oct 17, 2011 12:35am by Anne Luck-Deak

Well, it finally feels official. Now that we have celebrated Domani's first birthday with a proper party it finally feels like he is REALLY one! 

What a blessing it was to be surrounded by family and friends, to watch Domani running around the firehouse shrieking with his cousins and friends, and to even have Naomi join us via Skype! Domani is a bit slow on the unwrapping so we still have some unopened presents for him to get through, but it's just a way for his celebration to last even longer! We are truly overwhelmed by the generosity shown to Domani and to us.

While the party was a lot of fun it was also exhausting (for all 3 of us!) We have spent most of the time since then resting and enjoying some leftover goodies.

While Joe's appetite is still not great and he is experiencing some pain, Domani's birthday celebration went a long way towards lifting our spirits. We are so thankful for our little man and the joy he brings to our lives.

Looking back on these posts, I am reminded why I got my Superman tattoo back in March. I am also reminded of Joe's sheer joy at being able to be with his son at his 1st birthday party and that Domani's party was the last time Joe drove himself anywhere alone. And I laugh at the fact that just like last year, Domani still has a stack of birthday presents to open several days after his party. I remember our optimism that somehow this next chemo treatment would turn the tide in the cancer battle and buy Joe some more time with us. I remember the happiness of Domani's birthday celebration and how blessed I felt and I remember how completely and totally tired we were when it was all over.

I missed Joe incredibly when we celebrated Domani's birthday this past Saturday. It was a lovely day and I just know he would have had a blast following our 2 year old around and showing him all there was to do at Von Thun's Farm. Joe would have had so much fun with Domani and his cousins and there were quite a few moments when that realization took over my thoughts and emotions. For me though, the moment when I missed him the most that day was back at home, during the afternoon family nap time that followed the party. Because this year, Joe's nap couch was empty and that still has a sneaky way of yanking on my heart strings.

The Weather is Getting Crisper - A Dear Joe Letter

Dear Joe,

The weather is getting crisper and the leaves are slowly starting to turn those beautiful shades of orange and yellow and red. Soon, those huge trees in our front lawn will have their release and there will be lots and lots of raking to do. I explained to Domani today what it would be like and told him that he would probably enjoy playing in the leaves. Thinking about the falling leaves and the raking that comes with it makes the tears come. I don't have to tell you that raking the leaves was always something you would do.

The weather is getting crisper and the Afghan Whigs are on a North American tour. Greg Dulli curated the ATP I'll Be Your Mirror Festival in NYC this weekend and it was wonderful. As if it wasn't enough that he was hanging around most of the weekend enjoying the bands, chatting with fans, and taking photos, he also brought Marcy Mays out on the stage during the AW set to perform My Curse. It was epic. But I don't have to explain that to you. Once again, seeing the Afghan Whigs in concert, was like a spiritual highway leading straight to you and it was definitely a fun trip (my May 23 AW trip). It culminated in the Bulletproof to Summer's Kiss to Faded trilogy with a little Where Did Our Love Go thrown in... which did nothing short of sending me over the moon wishing you were in my arms again.

The Afghan Whigs playing What Jail is Like

Marcy Mays on lead vocals for My Curse

Greg watching Charles Bradley's performance.

The weather is getting crisper and I'm remembering what our life was like this time last year. We had recently taken Domani to his first MLB game - a Mets v. Nats matchup in DC and we saw Keith Hernandez and R.A. Dickey hanging out at our hotel and Domani had a blast exploring the mall attached to the hotel and miraculously the Mets actually won our little guy's first game. A year ago this week we took Domani to his first game at Citifield and took a family photo with Mr. Met and you bought him his very own Mr. Met from the Team Store and amazingly enough the Mets won that day too. Last year this time we took Domani to the Adventure Aquarium in Camden and Pirate Day at the Princeton Shopping Center and then we celebrated his first birthday at a party packed with family and friends. But you were sick. And I can't help but remember that too.

Domani's first game at Citifield, gripping that Mr. Met from his Daddy

Pirate Day - September 17, 2011

Joe & Domani at Adventure Aquarium

The weather is getting crisper and there's a new iPhone out. You missed the 4s and now you're missing the 5. I can't help but remember our trips to the Apple Store in Freehold Mall and how I was VERY pregnant while we waited to get the iPhone 4. Some friendly folks in line found a chair for me while you were waiting in the other line, but mall security made us return it to the Starbucks. I *almost* put my organizing skills into action, but we were so close to getting our phones that I let it slide and convinced everyone around me that they didn't need to start a protest on my behalf. I would buy you a new iPhone (and a new car) every year if I could just have you back here with us. But, of course, if there's anything these past few years have taught me it's that life is not about iPhones or cars.

The weather is getting crisper and Domani has already picked out his Halloween costume. He wants to be a football player. Specifically, he wants to be a Giants football player. You would be proud of this little guy and how much he already knows about sports. He also can't watch a baseball game without raising his fist and yelling "Mets!" Someone should probably tell him that once the weather gets crisper, there is usually no need to be cheering for the Mets, but that probably won't be me. I guess I should be happy that he chose to be a Giants player - at least we can tag that choice with the word "CHAMPION".

The weather is getting crisper and I just signed up for my first half marathon. I'm sure that would surprise you since this time last year I would have struggled to run a mile. Let's just say I've been inspired. Running to raise money for the fight against cancer has helped, (see Running the Undy 5000) but feeling healthier and having some time to think and just BE are what have really gotten me hooked. I know you would be proud of what I've accomplished so far and happy at how I'm fighting to be healthier.

The weather is getting crisper and I have to get the oil tank filled and the cars washed and the rose bushes pruned and I have to complete the application to refinance the mortgage and sort through your clothes and write some thank yous and yes, eventually rake the leaves. There's just no easy way to say that I miss you in both the everyday tasks and the lofty life moments.

Yes, the weather is getting crisper and it does make me miss you, but it also reminds me how this season in particular is full of sweet memories and the warmth of our love. And it always will be.

With Love,
Anne

Got another chance to meet Greg. Friday 9/21 at IBYM Festival.