One of Those Days

It's been quite a year. As I sit here in the wee hours of August 16th on what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary with Joe I can't help but think about all of the things that have already been packed into this year - and how they would have been different if he were still here by my side.

Our Wedding Day - August 16, 2008

I imagine what it would have been like to have his support in January when my Dad went into the hospital and during each of those times that followed when the news seemed to be scarier than the last. I think back to the sleepless nights and countless trips back and forth to New Brunswick and remember how desperately I just wanted to be able to fall into his arms with whatever downtime I had. While I am thankful for our tight knit family and my incredibly supportive friends I know that it was measurably harder to be on that roller coaster of concern without him.

I think about the day in February while my Dad was still in the hospital when my mom called me on my way to church to let me know she had been in a car accident. I remember what it was like to pull up to the scene of the crash only to see her being put into the back of an ambulance. Once I was on my way to the hospital to meet her at the ER, I remember the overwhelming urge to just grab my phone and call Joe. But his number has been disconnected for years so all I could do was talk to the air through my tears. It's been over 6 years since I've been able to pick up the phone to call my husband and talking to the air is just one of the ways I work shit out in this life after Joe.

He was always my calm when I was on the high seas and there have been many times this year when his patient way and gentle touch would have made my path easier. Even now almost 7 years later and even though I have learned in some ways and at some times to emulate his patience and calm, there is still a certain emptiness that comes when I am faced with these moments. He's not here and so sometimes I stay on the high seas. Sometimes there are others who help. Sometimes I go for a run. And sometimes I talk to the air.

This year I turned 40. I never imagined I would do that without Joe. I suspect that if he were here the celebration with friends and family would have taken a slightly different form. He likely would not have planned a brunch where people run a collective total of 40+ miles together before eating and drinking. But given that running has proven to be one of the most powerful outlets for my grief over these past six years, it only made sense to me that my friends and family would join me to "run in" my 40th birthday. Six of us gathered early that morning to run a 6ish mile loop through my neighborhood and then the rest of the crowd joined up to run a mile (or two if you got stuck running in the pack with me) in the park near my house. A few friends and family members got a pass on all the physical activity in order to get the food and drinks ready while we ran.

The 6 mile 40th Birthday Crew

We covered well over 40 miles and I felt so much love that day. The icing on the cake (of which there was a homemade Mets one from a friend in my running club) was that both of my parents were able to join us for the festivities. After all that they had been through during the first two months of the year, that was really all the birthday present I needed.

Not long after my birthday, there came a big day in the life of Anne. On March 22, I was appointed to my local Board of Education and then later I was honored with a Power of Women in the Labor Movement Award. It was a special night and I am thankful that I had my son as my date to the Awards dinner and plenty of friends there along with my parents. But I realize more and more as the years go on without Joe that it's when I return home after these kinds of nights that I miss him the most. It is those times when I'm either on top of the world or feeling lower than dirt that I just want to be with someone who gets me in the context of the whole back story of me. He certainly did that in a unique way and I miss it.

With Mom, Dad, and the Little Guy at the Awards Dinner

On March 29, it was Opening Day for our beloved NY Mets so Domani and I went as we always do to officially welcome in the baseball season. It has become a tradition for us since Joe died, something we do to spend time together and to be in a place that reminds us of Joe. A reporter started talking to us while we were waiting to get Domani's Kid's Club passport stamped and we ended up on the CBS 5 o'clock news during a segment on Opening Day at Citifield. We talked about Joe and how we go to Opening Day to keep his memory alive. It was a beautiful segment, complete with Domani spinning the prize wheel (just like we always do) and winning a t-shirt on camera. I remember getting home that night, falling into bed, and marveling at the twists and turns that had brought my son and I to that point in our lives. That news segment coming on Opening Day for our Mets at a point in my life when so many other things were feeling hard felt like a little hug from Joe. It's a hug that I feel like I've gotten many times throughout this year in many different ways and for that I am thankful.

Screenshot from the CBS news segment

One thing that I suspect I would not have gotten myself into this year had Joe still been alive is the crazy Spartan Beast race I did in celebration of my 40th birthday. My guess is that we would have taken a fabulous trip somewhere instead. But since I was the one doing the planning, it was off to Mountain Creek for me. I have done a lot of races since I started running in 2012, but none as physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging as the 13+ miles and 30+ obstacles of the Spartan Beast race. I feared that I was doomed from the beginning when I couldn't even hoist myself over the wall to get into the start corral. Thankfully, a kind soul gave me a boost and with some perfectly timed pump up music before our start I hit the race course determined to put it behind me. When I came upon the same wall within the first few obstacles I almost froze in my path. Instead, I found something deep within me and just went for it. I lifted myself right over on the first try and then promptly shouted "HOLY SHIT I DID IT!" over and over again. It felt awesome. 

I had the "HOLY SHIT I DID IT" moment again with the "Bender" obstacle. By that point I had already done penalty burpees on the Tyrolean Traverse and I had no interest in doing more. In my mind I was going to do everything possible to get by that Bender obstacle without subjecting myself to another set of that misery masquerading as exercise they call burpees. A woman who I had been chatting and racing with through a couple of obstacles helped make sure I secured myself along the first rung of the Bender and then I started working my way up and over with some other racers on the ground giving direction as to how to maneuver myself. I am certain this obstacle is where I racked up most of the bruises on my body as I both clung tightly so as not to fall and pushed through many awkward and painful positions to get myself over the obstacle. Once I was finally over and safely on the ground, I almost cried. And that was only a third of the way through the race.

There were so many things in that race that I thought I could never do which I did. Carry this huge stone. Climb over this wall. Crawl under this barbed wire. Keep going up and down this mountain all day long. Go under this dunk wall. Carry this bucket with rocks along this path. Burpees. Burpees. And more burpees. Carry this sandbag down this hill and back up again. Penalty hike up this mountain for missing the spearthrow. And this one for falling off the Twister. Keep going through the pouring rain and in the thunder and lightning as they close the course while you are less than a mile from the end and then wait to hear if the race officials will even let you finish. By the time it was over I was soaking wet, bruised, bloody, and happier than I had been in a very long time. 

Bucket Brigade and my race in a nutshell

It took me weeks to recover, but it only took me hours to decide that I would be finishing the other two (shorter) length Spartan races this year in order to complete my Trifecta. I've got my eye on conquering Mountain Creek again in October and I plan on doing way fewer burpees this time around.

This year I also opened the last gift I ever received from Joe. Music was always one of the things that kept Joe and I connected. We loved going to shows together, listening to music at home or in the car, and learning new things about our favorite artists. Joe always seemed to be the guy who knew everything about everything when it came to music. It should come as no surprise then that, unbeknownst to me, he had pre-ordered a CD recording of the NYC show for the Greg Dulli tour we saw in Philly in 2010. That Philly show was the last one we saw together. We had tickets for the one in NYC too, but between having a baby at home and Joe not feeling 100% we decided that one show would have to be enough. 

The CD arrived about a month and a half after Joe died and although I had opened the envelope (which was addressed to him) I had left the CD in its packaging. Until this year. So, in May, on the day that was 7 years from our last show together, I opened it. Listening to that album was one of the greatest moments of catharsis I've had in awhile. It became a special part of my year and I keep the CD in my car for those times when I want to have some moments with him where I'm doing more than just talking to the air.

The Afghan Whigs Do It Again

It's been over two weeks. My ears have stopped ringing. The stress of everyday life has long ago interfered with the permanent grin that had taken up residence on my face and there are only 6 days to my next (and last) show on October 28. But I can't imagine ever having a more perfect concert bender than the 4 Afghan Whigs shows in 5 days which started in DC on Wednesday, October 1st and ended in Brooklyn that following Sunday night.

It's got me listening to the Usher songs on my playlist in a completely new way and jamming to No Diggity while I run. It's got me believing in love thanks to Charles Bradley and whispering a daily quiet thanks to Joe for sending me towards the amazing people of The Congregation. It left me tired and with a distinctly raspy voice, but those 5 days come with stories to tell for life.

I had never been to the 9:30 Club in DC and the show there during the 2012 tour was much talked about among my circle of friends so I made buying a ticket for that one this go around a priority. I was not disappointed. It was the first time I heard Step Into The Light live and it was followed by Now You Know, another first for me to hear live. I felt a little bad for my friend who came with me. I was so excited by the end of Now You Know that I'm pretty sure I punched him in the arm. I don't think it was hard, but it WAS the Afghan Whigs playing NOW YOU KNOW, so anything is possible.

A few songs later came the fun surprise of a "No Diggity" intro to Neglekted and then wrapping up the set was the not surprising, but incredibly moving "Getting Better" ending to Lost In the Woods. No matter how many times I have heard it live now (about 4 in person and many more times on the live CD) I can't get through it without there being a little mist in my eyes. There's just something about that full package that cuts deep into me and at a live show I make sure to relish every minute of it. It is, after all, the one thing I tell "newbies" when bringing them to an Afghan Whigs show - pay attention to the way they integrate covers throughout because it's impressive.

There were friends from The Congo to hang out with afterwards and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better night in DC. Little did I know that the shows would only get better from there.

Friday night it was on to Philly with my friend Cindy who had joined me for part of the 2012 "epic" Afghan Whigs weekend and for the "no encore" 2012 Philly show at the Electric Factory. It was time once again for some Afghan Whigs fun and our night in Philly exceeded expectations. We braved a little bit of rain while waiting on line and managed to track down the fabulous people of The Congo once we were inside. Up at the front of the stage there was plenty of time to catch up with each other on life's happenings while waiting for the show to start. We talked about how they played "Now You Know" in Boston and DC. We talked about the "No Diggity" intro and wondered if we would get to hear it again. We talked about whether we would get a damn encore in Philly this time around. We also talked about plenty of non-Afghan Whigs stuff because, well, life.

Then, we were off and running. Joseph Arthur delivered with yet another excellent set. The venue filled up and, unlike two years ago at The Electric Factory, the crowd really seemed ready for an Afghan Whigs show. I always try to get myself up front for at least one show and this was the one. I couldn't have been happier - surrounded by friends with a perfect view of the band. My vantage point also allowed me to watch the band's monitor tech, Ryan, as he rocked out to EVERY song, which was a blast. 

All was perfect until a drunk man decided to push his way towards the stage during Neglekted. Since it can't be properly described, I call this one: Why I love Greg Dulli from No Diggity to kicking out obnoxious drunks in one video.


It features great Dulli quotes such as:

"I know you ain't gonna make me babysit you, motherfucker."

"This is not a negotiation, brother."

"Where was I? I think I know..." And right in to my favorite part of the song...you have to watch it to appreciate it. The video quality is fantastic. And yes, that's me next to the drunk along with the rest of the fabulous ladies of The Congregation. Greg Dulli definitely knows how to keep a party going in spite of the most ridiculous jerks.

Philly was a fun party. We didn't get Now You Know, but when Lost in the Woods rolled around this time we had a great view of Ryan, the monitor tech, joining the band on guitar and we also had his mom standing right next to us who didn't know he would be playing. It was a cool moment. She was sweet and proud and obviously anxious to catch up with him after the show. Someone from among our group told her that Ryan was clearly getting his own little fan club.

When Lost in The Woods was over we cheered our brains out to make sure that the "no encore" fiasco from 2012 was not repeated. Thankfully, our enthusiasm was rewarded and we were not forced to leave encore-less this time around. Cindy and I had rumbling stomachs from not eating dinner before the show and got soaked by the rain walking back to our car, but it was all worth it. Another successful night with the Whigs.

After Philly there were 2 shows left. On Saturday night it was off to the Beacon Theatre in Manhattan to take in The Afghan Whigs from the first row of the lower level balcony. Members of The Congo have been talking for months about what it would be like to see the band in a seated venue - all of us sharing where we would be sitting and hoping that the energy would be strong and that people would stand to enjoy the show. I had only ever seen Greg Dulli in a seated venue once before - at Royal Festival Hall in London in July 2009 when he was touring with Mark Lanegan as The Gutter Twins. I saw that show with Joe since he was traveling there on business and I was able to coordinate a vacation at the same time. We were newly married and cancer was something that happened to other people. It would stay that way for another 6 months.

He took this photo of me as we waited for the show to start, mostly because he wanted me to get off my phone.

He always told me that I paid too much attention to my phone.
He was right.

Then, we staged this photo to remember the moment. HE was the one using his phone by this point (and for the rest of the night since I decided that I was done being harassed about it).

The Gutter Twins, The London Eye, and our beers.

While I admit that it was a bit odd to see Greg Dulli play a seated venue, it wasn't assigned seating (like The Beacon) and it was The Gutter Twins, not The Afghan Whigs. I will always remember that show as one of the best ones for me and Joe so I went in to the night at The Beacon with no qualms about it being a great time. It was NYC, a whole gathering of Congo members, and The Afghan Whigs - a perfect combination. I knew that there would be plenty of friendly faces including my friend Elissa who was making it out to her one and only show that night.

With Elissa outside The Beacon Theatre
So glad she made it to the show!

I have to admit that the real reason I was excited for the show at the Beacon, though, was Charles Bradley. This was the one show on the tour where we would get to see him open for The Whigs. I really like Joseph Arthur who is the regular opener, but I LOVE Charles Bradley. I have dance parties while driving to Charles Bradley. I cry about my past while listening to Charles Bradley. I dream about my future while singing along to Charles Bradley. It's all there. And, hands down, the best part of Saturday night at The Beacon Theatre for me was Charles Bradley.

Pretty sure this @Charles_Bradley set changed something significant about my life last night. pic.twitter.com/iRNDt8e5oL
— Anne Deak (@MamaDeak) October 5, 2014

I haven't been able to find the setlist for Charles Bradley anywhere but it was fantastic. Full of my favorites and while I was in a bit of a daze I'm pretty sure it ended with Lovin' You, Baby which is what finally caused me to send off that tweet once it was all over and I was in a complete state of music euphoria. (By the way, that outfit he is wearing was a COSTUME CHANGE. For the OPENING ACT. And he EARNED IT.) 

I suppose the tweet deserves some explanation. I'm in a bit of a place these days. I realized during this set that dating has left me pretty guarded so that even when I come across someone who could be maybe be real I hesitate and I fall back on that which is more safe. I was grabbed especially by Lovin' You Baby and one line in particular - "no more afraid to open the door and let you in". When I said that I dream about my future while singing along to Charles Bradley, I meant it and Saturday, October 4, 2014 was no different. There was some dreaming and a little opening of the mental door. We'll see where it takes me - and that's all I'm going to say about that.

The long-awaited answer to the "will people stand for The Afghan Whigs at The Beacon" question...YES!
At least on the floor, they will.

After the show there was delicious grilled cheese and tomato and onion rings with awesome people at a diner a few blocks away where we dished about the show and who saw what from which seats. I loved every minute of it, but hated that it had to end. Thankfully, most of us would be back together again in Brooklyn for another round of our favorite band the very next night. Little did we know it would be quite so epic. We would need some sleep.

It was late Sunday afternoon and I found myself running at a much faster pace than I should have been in order to finish my 16 miles in enough time to shower, change, and drive up to Brooklyn. And then, the traffic. Oh, the traffic. I drive this way ALL THE TIME. It's NEVER this bad. Except tonight. ON AFGHAN WHIGS NIGHT. Every muscle in my body was tight and it wasn't from the run. I envisioned abandoning my car in the middle of the BQE and running to the Music Hall of Williamsburg. I actually started doing the calculations in my head. How many miles do I have left to go? What pace do I think I could manage? How much time is left until Joseph Arthur takes the stage? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 

I will spare you the gory NYC traffic details and just let this be known.... In case you didn't know, God is an Afghan Whigs fan and She made sure that things cleared up just in time for me to catch the 2nd song of Joseph Arthur's set that night. I found my rightful place among my family in The Congregation and we enjoyed what was by far my favorite collection of concert moments to date (I'm beginning to think there is something about October 5th and concerts for me).

There were some surprises thrown in to the setlist including Turn On the Water and We Two Parted - both favorites of mine - as well as a repeat of Now You Know, which was even more exciting to hear in such an intimate venue. Then, as it came around to the end of the show, we were treated to the Whigs' cover of The Police song Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic. I have loved this cover since I first heard it and had lost hope of hearing it live. Not only did we hear it, but Greg shuffled his way across the front of the stage while singing it and then came out into the crowd and ended up right smack in the middle of our little group.

“@donallogue: @MrGregDulli in the house pic.twitter.com/N5IYVDwzhT” I spy @MamaDeak and the Congregation!
— Malinda Ann Hill (@MalindaAnnHill) October 6, 2014

If you're up for a little game of "Where's Waldo" it shouldn't be too hard to pick me out. If you can't spot the glow from my huge grin, then look for the black tank top near that bald Jimmy guy :-)

We had no problem getting the guys to come back out for an encore because the crowd at MHOW was energetic to say the least. This encore started out in much the same way the others had up to that point....Going to Town.....Somethin' Hot.....and then, Greg starts talking about the 2012 New Years Eve show in Cincinnati and the SXSW appearance the following year. And then, Climax. With Usher.

It all took just a few extra seconds to register, but there was Mr. Raymond in front of us on stage with The Afghan Whigs at MHOW doing up Climax like it was Austin 2013 all over again. I am realizing now that thankfully I have come much more unglued from my phone during moments like these and snapped only 1 quick photo during the song. (Luckily, it was a good one.) I attribute much of that to "lessons from Joe". So, I soaked up every minute of that performance including the moment when Usher bowed down to the band and I'll be the first to admit that I've already happily watched the video many times over.

By the time they were done, the energy at MHOW was palpable. The road crew started taking down the stage, but we kept pressing forward and went bananas. Could we get them to come back out again? As it turned out, we could. Just when I thought the night couldn't possibly get any better, there was a second encore. It started with Blame, Etc. and we were about to get Faded except for the fight that broke out and made Greg change his mind and do Step Into The Light instead. Honestly, at that point, I would have listened to the band play their take on Mary Had a Little Lamb and left happy. It was the perfect conclusion to 4 shows in 5 days and I know how lucky I am to have shared those shows with people who have come to mean so much to me.

All I can say right now about tonight with @theafghanwhigs is holy shit. This cloud nine will last a long time. pic.twitter.com/c8Wn0pcTok
— Anne Deak (@MamaDeak) October 6, 2014

Four shows in five days and as I finish this post two weeks later I STILL have a huge grin plastered across my face. I love this music, this band, and the amazing friends I have made through them.

Canceling 7434

Almost 3 years later I thought this would be just another mundane administrative task. Call up customer service and cancel the number no longer being used on my cell plan. Except that it's not just any number. It's his number. 

I told Laura, the lovely Customer Service Rep at AT&T Wireless that I needed to cancel one of the lines on my service and I knew that I would be asked why. I was prepared. 

"It was my husband's line and he passed away."

She of course was so sweet and said she was sorry for my loss and told me that she would take care of it right away for me and that I was on a very old plan and she would also find the best new plan for me.

There must be a requirement that the CSR say out loud what she is doing and that she say it more than once.

Canceling 7434...

"feeling reckless"...his last text to me. He meant to say "restless" but the drugs were interfering. 

Canceling 7434...

"Hey, it's Joe. I can't get to the phone. Leave a message." The voicemail recording my friend Erin went to painstaking ends to help me record and save.

Canceling 7434...

The tears were falling down my cheeks now as Laura moved on to talking about the changing fall weather and did her best to get through the steps of the line cancellation as quickly as she could. 

Laura was great. She helped me order the new iPhone I have been meaning to get but never seem to have the energy to follow through on. She adjusted things on my plan that needed fixing and she ended up saving me $90 a month. I have no idea why I didn't call sooner. Except that I do. Grief is a funny thing. You can be ready for your "different" life in so many ways and not yet ready in so many others. 

It was just a cell phone number. But it was a part of my Joe that was still here. It was the number I called when I first got back in touch with him and we started dating again after years apart. I had left him a message after that "Hey, it's Joe. I can't get to the phone. Leave a message." And he had called me back. And after talking briefly, he called me right back again because he forgot to tell me about his encounter with Greg Dulli. It was that phone number. And I didn't realize it when I picked up the phone to call customer service today, but I know it now. There was a lot packed in to canceling 7434. Grief is a funny thing and I'm glad that CSR Laura from AT&T understood it. She was wonderful.

After I hung up with Laura, I closed my office door and put Lost In The Woods by The Afghan Whigs on repeat for a bit. And I cried. It felt like the thing I needed to do. 

Getting a new iPhone still feels a little empty without him here and canceling his phone line sure felt like shit. But like my friend Erin texted to me right after I did it, "joe probably would have told you to cancel it right away." And she is right - totally, 100% right.

Decorating the Little Christmas Tree

The little Christmas tree 2012

This time last year we were dealing with the news that there was nothing else that could be done to fight Joe's cancer. It was heartbreaking news, as my blog post from that day was titled. As the calendar flipped to December today, I felt a range of emotions, most of which I was expecting. I just wasn't quite expecting the intensity. With the dreaded anniversary quickly approaching and Christmas and New Years following close behind, it was almost as if the December 1st date change were magic with the way that it pulled my heart in a million directions.

Today, I started my Christmas decorating. This afternoon my mom came over and helped me organize Domani's room and then bring the Christmas things down from the attic. Up until last year, Joe and I would always tag team this - he going up into the attic and I taking the boxes and bins from him at the bottom of the ladder. Last year for the first time our routine changed and I found myself poking my head in the attic along with my Dad. This year, I was up in the attic and my Mom was receiving the boxes and bins. Going in the attic is emotional for me now because it was Joe's job, so I'm especially thankful to have had the help.

Tonight I put up the little tree in our living room. It was Joe's from when he was a bachelor. His Mom had gotten it for him because she thought he should have a Christmas tree. She was right. It was the perfect "Joe" tree and every year I loved helping him decorate it. Last year, we put it up right after Thanksgiving and I'm glad we did. It was a comfort to me to have it there as Joe's condition worsened and I'm not sure I could have handled putting it up after he passed. We keep many of our most sentimental ornaments on that tree, including ones from our travels so the tree is a reminder of our many happy moments together.

Not surprisingly, I shed a few tears as I was trimming the tree tonight, especially with each "Joe & Anne" ornament I came across. I was surprised, though, at how sweet it was to also look at the tree and recall how it looked in his apartment in Cranbury the night we got engaged or to put up the Henry the VIII ornament and remember our amazing trip to London and the Gutter Twins concert that went with it. While there is still a lot of sad and lonely, I am starting to think about those amazing times when I think about Joe. I am starting to think first about our incredibly special love and second about how much I miss it. I guess that's progress.

My post from last year...

Heartbreaking News
Dec 1, 2011 12:34 AM

It is late and we are all quite tired in the Deak household. After a long night last night which included a visit from the hospice nurse, we went to Joe's oncologist today. Joe had been scheduled for his next chemo treatment, but given his weakened state it was hard to believe they would do it.

That proved correct but on top of that we were told by the doctor covering for Joe's regular oncologist that no further treatments would be possible. A punch in the gut. And she wasn't particularly helpful or sympathetic. Another punch in the gut.

While we were there Joe was given oxygen and some fluids. He also had a nice nap while receiving the fluids. Thankfully, after returning home

We got a visit from his hospice nurse and later a call from his regular oncologist. His oncologist's heartbreaking conclusion was still the same but it was helpful to have our questions answered and to hear the details about his reasoning. The honest truth is that it was very difficult for Joe to travel to Basking Ridge today. His weakened state makes even a walk from the living room to the bedroom a difficult task, let alone walking around to get ready and then out to the car. It would just be too much for him to continue going through the motions of treatments which aren't really having an impact on the cancer.

We will receive some additional services from hospice and are still considering any other possible options for Joe. Please pray for wisdom in how to proceed and for peace during this seemingly impossible time.

As difficult as today was, it was nice to come home to a freshly cleaned house and some yummy food in the fridge. We have the most amazing support network and I have a suspicion it will only get better. Love to you all!

An Epic Weekend - The Afghan Whigs in NYC

This was an Afghan Whigs weekend, which if you've been reading my blog should come as no surprise. After all, my favorite band was playing in NYC - on Friday night in Manhattan and on Saturday night in Brooklyn. There's a long roundabout story as to how I almost didn't go to one show or the other, but as I sit here on Sunday evening I can't imagine having missed either one of the shows.

The venues were very different as were the set lists and as a result I think the fan experience was different too, but the two shows together made for a truly unforgettable weekend.

On Friday, the show was at Terminal 5 with its notoriously bad acoustics that had fans complaining from the moment it was chosen for what was at the time the only NYC concert on the tour schedule. I had never been there, but I must say from the FRONT ROW everything sounded JUST FINE! Friday was anything but a typical day for me. It was October 5 and therefore, exactly 10 months since Joe died. I knew it would be an emotional night and was thankful that so many members of The Congregation would be there at the show too.

American Express Soundcheck Party with Malinda & Melissa
Mother Runners & Congo Members!

The fun on Friday started even before the doors opened for the concert. I survived an emotional drive through the Lincoln Tunnel into the City (very strong memories of taking Joe to his chemo appointments) to arrive in plenty of time for the 5pm American Express AW Soundcheck Party. Now I admit that I don't have an American Express card, but I was fortunate enough to be invited by my Mother Runner/Congregation friend Malinda to attend as her "plus one". The event included a small crowd of serious fans (including many Congregation members), an open bar, delicious food (served by some very attractive young men), and, of course, the Afghan Whigs. Shortly after the soundcheck party I texted a friend calling it "quite possibly the coolest musical thing I've ever been to". I would modify that now to include this whole weekend's experience as my "coolest musical thing".

John Curley on bass during the soundcheck.

The band came out for the soundcheck set relaxed and all smiles. They played 4 songs for the set: 66, Kiss The Floor (they hadn't yet played it live on this tour), Crazy, and Little Darling (Thin Lizzy cover that didn't get played during the show). We watched from the front row and enjoyed every second. Once the set was over, it was time to eat, drink, and hang out until they kicked us out at 7pm. To our surprise (and sheer pleasure) we were joined after the soundcheck set by John Curley (bassist) and Dave Rosser (guitarist) who were more than happy to chat it up and take photos.

With fellow Congo Member Chrissy and bassist John Curley
American Express Soundcheck Party

When we left the venue to wait in the concert line, I was already on Cloud 9. How could this night possibly get any better?

How about front row for Eagles of Death Metal and the most electric set from The Afghan Whigs I had experienced to date? Yes, that happened. I didn't know anything about EODM before they took the stage Friday night, but their live show blew me away. The music was loud and kick ass and the stage show was over the top fun. The lead singer, Boots Electric, worked his ass off and the drummer was literally breaking his drum set up he was going so strong. They were a perfect primer for the Afghan Whigs show that awaited us. It was also cool to notice that even AW were fans of EODM as John Curley came out from behind stage to sneak some photos and Dave Rosser later posted some photos taken of the band from the balcony.

John Curley taking photos of EODM. Very cool.

Boots Electric kills it right in front of us.

By the time AW took the stage, Terminal 5 was packed and it felt like every single person in that place, from the floor to the 3rd level balcony, came with the feeling that this would be one of the best concerts of their lives. The result? The crowd gave it to the band and the band gave it back. It was my first true front row experience for an Afghan Whigs show which made each song that much sweeter.

John Curley (& Cully Symington) in the midst of some kick ass lighting.

Steve Myers dancing (& singing) his ass off at the T5 show.

Love Crimes happening right in front of us at T5

The highlights for me included Turn On The Water which is becoming one of my favorite AW songs and When We Two Parted which Greg dedicated to Renee, a superfan Congo member who was with us at the show in May, but passed away over the summer. It was a powerful show for me personally as song after song reminded me of my Joe and our love story and that overarching 10 months. What I was not ready for though was the intense emotion that overcame me while Greg was singing Faded. It was truly spiritual. It may sound wacky for someone who hasn't had an experience like this, but it was as if Greg, Joe and I were IN that song together. I cried and cried and cried and it felt good. It was the 10 month date. It was the connection Joe & I shared through the AW. And it was this chorus and the passion with which Greg sang it:

Faded
This I feel
Behind the blue clouds
I remain concealed
Lord, life me out of the night
Come on, look down
And see the mess I'm in tonight

It was a little shocking to me how deeply I felt that song and Joe's presence during it. I was still stuck in it when the band started their encore with Retarded. 66 snapped me out of it though since it is one of my favorites and also one that brings up warm memories of Joe. It was rocking to hear that whole crowd singing "Don't Forget The Alcohol....Ohhhh Baby, Ohhhh Baby" on Miles Iz Ded and they wrapped the show with Into the Floor, the new, original song they've been playing on this tour. I will never forget how Greg ended the show. After singing Into the Floor, he simply said "you never know..." Profound and thrilling at the same time. If Faded was my theme song for that night, "you never know" became my mantra. (Many of us are hoping "you never know" was a not so subtle hint to what may lie ahead after this tour.)

Once again, how could this night possibly get any better?

How about getting the AW set list that was used by John Curley? Yes, that happened. For the prior 4 AW shows I attended on this tour I had settled for photos of the set list that someone else got to take home. But this time, on this special night, I got my very own. A little cosmic good luck which was much appreciated.

John Curley's Terminal 5 set list & my Soundcheck badge

Surely, that marked the conclusion of an epic night, right? How could it possibly get any better?

Well, how about the conversation I've been waiting for 10 months to have with Greg Dulli actually happening after the concert? Yes, that happened. I'm so glad that fellow Congo Elissa was there and wanted to try catching Greg for a chat after the show. I would have never stayed otherwise. We didn't talk with him long, so as not to keep him from whatever he had planned for the rest of the night, but the time we did spend talking was profoundly meaningful to me. Elissa thanked him for once again dedicating When We Two Parted to Renee and let him know how special it was to those of us who knew her. He shared some of his own thoughts on her passing and the last interaction he had with her. It was that conversation and his openness that made me feel comfortable sharing my own perspective from the evening.

With Greg (obviously) and my friend Cindy (a brand new AW convert!)

I told him that the show tonight was particularly special to me because it was exactly 10 months since my husband had died and he was the one who introduced me to The Afghan Whigs when we were in college. I described to him the intense emotional experience I had during Faded that night and he shared that it wasn't surprising given that he had written that song about a personal loss in his own life. He said it was cool that I was able to connect with the song in that way during the live show and that I felt what he was putting into it. Then, I told him about how Joe and I had chosen the name Domani for our son who was born after Joe's diagnosis. (We actually found out I was pregnant just days before Joe was rushed to the hospital and then told he had Stage IV colon cancer.) It was a Dulli song that made Joe think of the name but it was the meaning and his own Italian heritage that cemented it as the name for our son. Joe's mom has a beautiful post about the little guy's name which captures well why we chose that name and Greg apparently found it equally sweet. He told us that "tomorrow" is the most beautiful word in the English language and he thought it was a moving and hopeful choice. We also talked about the song Domani and how he didn't really remember it when asked about it in an interview, so he went back and listened to it afterwards. The truth is that I can't remember all the details of the conversation, but I do remember how it made me feel on that particular night: peaceful, hopeful, and connected to Joe. It was truly a special moment for me and I'm thankful both for Greg's incredible musical talent and his graciousness to chat with an appreciative fan.

When I finally got home that night (aka the next morning) I remember thinking that there's no way the Brooklyn show could possibly be as amazing as the night I just had. In fact, after a very rough Saturday which included losing Joe's wedding ring which I had been wearing since he died and a mildly traumatic trip to urgent care, I *almost* skipped the show. I'm so glad I braved the "Brooklyn Bridge is closed so 278 is a parking lot" traffic and made it to the Music Hall of Williamsburg on Saturday night. I would have never forgiven myself had I missed THAT set list in such an intimate venue.

Both opening acts were excellent, but seeing Mighty Fine was something extra special. I'm a big fan of Steve Myers and his dancing (& singing) skills. It's impossible to not have fun when he's on stage. As their set went on I felt the pain and stress of my day just melting away, one song at a time. If you ask me, that's exactly what really great music should do for you.

Mighty Fine rocking out at MHOW on 10/6/12

Once again, the opening bands served as the perfect primer for the epic night that was to come from The Afghan Whigs. The set list from this show... well, let me just say that if I quoted what some folks I know said about it, then I would have to treat this post like that censorship episode of Family Guy. In my opinion, it was the best set list they have played so far on this reunion tour.

I didn't get to take this one home, but a friend of mine did!

The best way I can think of to describe the show at MHOW  is a huge house party with Greg, John, Rick, Dave, Cully, Rick and Steve as the fun-loving hosts. I was lucky enough to find myself perched directly in front of Rick and Dave with my hands resting comfortably on the stage (when they weren't raising the roof anyway). I was joined by Chrissy & Susan, two other Congo members, as we gasped and screamed with joy as the set list was slowly revealed.

There were four HUGE moments for me.

1) BAND OF GOLD. Did you catch earlier how I had lost Joe's wedding ring earlier that day?! HOW DID THE BAND KNOW? Seriously, though, Band of Gold is a favorite song of mine period and the AW cover is pretty much perfect. If I were the panty throwing kind, that song would have made me do it and we weren't even halfway into the show.

2) NEGLEKTED. Since my first show this year at the Bowery Ballroom, I've been itching to hear this song live. It does, after all, contain one of the best Afghan Whigs lines of all time (kids, cover your ears) - "You can fuck my body baby, but please, don't fuck my mind." As if it wasn't enough that the band played this song, Greg chose THIS song to make his way down into the crowd and do some dancing with the ladies. There were plenty of Congo ladies who got some attention from him during this song and I was close enough to sneak a really cool photo.

Hello, Mr. Dulli! Singing Neglekted.

Greg Dulli partying with the crowd at MHOW.

3) CITE SOLEIL. Another one that I was patiently waiting to hear live. Not only did they play it, but Greg went through a story about how the lyrics for the chorus came to be (word for word what a cabbie said to him) and then riled up the audience participation on the chorus to a fever pitch. It was just as electric as the "Fountain & Fairfax" part of Fountain & Fairfax. Of course, it also didn't hurt that he sang a significant portion of the song standing right above us, yielding this fabulous photo.

Cite Soleil at MHOW - 10/6/12

4) The YEAH, YEAH, YEAHS. During the last song of the encore we got Greg Dulli leading the crowd on "She Loves You....Yeah, Yeah, Yeah" resulting in one of the coolest endings to a show I have ever experienced. My favorite part of it though was Rick & Dave coming over to one mike and singing the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs (and Rick accidentally bumping his guitar into Dave's) and John over at the mike with Greg. They all just seemed so relaxed and like they were having a genuinely good time. In that moment, it felt like they weren't just performing, they were making music. And I love that.

She Loves You....Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

The buzz after the show was that this was the best one yet, which is particularly good news for those of us who still have shows to attend during this tour. They really do just keep getting better and better. Can you all just IMAGINE what the New Years Eve show is going to be like?

Can't forget Cully on drums. This was the 1st concert I had a good
sightline of him - what a treat to watch him play!

Always a special treat whenever Steve Myers joins AW.

I would be remiss in this post if I didn't thank the amazing people who made my Afghan Whigs mania possible this week. My sister Karen and her husband Chris took care of Domani while I jetted off to Toronto on some overnight fangirl craziness (my post on the Toronto show). Joe's mom Lynda and her husband Ross hung out with the little guy while I rocked out in Manhattan (see her post about Domani's time with her here and marvel at how the "tomorrow" theme worked its way into both our lives that day). And, for the epic Saturday night show in Brooklyn, my parents amused Domani with many books and the movie The Princess and the Frog (he LOVES frogs!) I could never fully express my thanks to those who have enabled me to have these life-changing moments with some of the most fun people I know and the band that can send me over the moon with a single chorus.

Before the Brooklyn show, I tweeted: "What a day. Happy to be ending it at church, er, an Afghan Whigs show. Almost the same thing for me these days. #AfghanWhigsLive"

In many ways, these shows have been church for me. It's not always as obvious as my experience with Faded during Friday night's show or the rapturous joy of hearing Band of Gold on Saturday, but man, for me there is always at least a little bit of church up in any Afghan Whigs show.

More Afghan Whigs

The Afghan Whigs in Toronto, 10/3/12

I can't speak for the guys who go to the shows, but the amazing thing about being a chick at an Afghan Whigs show these days is that you are bound to have at least one moment in which you are absolutely CONVINCED that Greg Dulli is looking right at you. Or singing those smoldering or angry or sad lyrics right at you. Or shaking his quite lovely goods right at you. Or directing some of that classic Dulli banter to you and you alone. Or (heart be still) making YOU one of the "points" in Gentleman.

Set list from Toronto, 10/3/12

Last night I went to my 4th Afghan Whigs show of the year and it did not disappoint. The crowd was hanging on every note from Crime Scene to Faded and although there were, of course, a few crazy drunks and a little friendly jockeying for position, it was the perfect mix of old school fans and AW Live virgins. One of my favorite parts of these shows has become the exchanging of fan stories just before the band takes the stage. It always seems to happen so spontaneously, born out of the unquenchable anticipation we all share. Last night it was a guy who was in high school when AW were first making music together and a woman who had seen them at ATP and gotten a sweet autograph from Greg for her 9-year-old son. And those crazy drunks? Well, they were long time AW fans who had never seen them live and just really, really, really wanted to hear Bulletproof.

But I digress from my initial point of being a chick at an Afghan Whigs show these days. The truth is, for this single mama, there is nothing like the release that comes with dancing my butt off under the smoldering gaze of Mr. Greg Dulli. It's unadulterated fun that leaves me without a voice and, on a really good night, without much ability to stand on my own two feet. Last night, for the 2nd show in a row, I was, without a doubt, one of Greg's "points" in Gentleman (you and you and you...) and I was definitely part of his crowd scan while he was talking about "all the beautiful girls here in Toronto" and how they are just as beautiful as the ones in LA where he lives. He went on to introduce You, My Flower by commenting on how he was sure all these beautiful women had boyfriends and he hoped none of them ever wrote a song like this about us. Anyone who can make me swoon while introducing a song like You, My Flower....well, that's a special kind of gift.

Greg works the crowd during See & Don't See

By that point in the show, I probably could have left happy, but there was still so much more. Greg made his way down off the stage and into the crowd while singing See & Don't See, dancing with whoever was around and, I'm sure, making every woman in the crowd feel like he was looking right at her. After the sweet high of See & Don't See, he once again nailed a cover of Frank Ocean's Love Crimes and the whole band rocked out like I have never seen them before on 66 then Debonair, then Fountain & Fairfax.  By the time Greg relented to the crowd to shout "Fountain & Fairfax", I felt outside myself, knowing the encore we would get if the band felt our energy just half as much as we felt theirs. The band's final three songs, Bulletproof/Summer's Kiss/Faded, have taken on a little bit of church for me over the years, but especially now as they've been doing them on the tour. The lyrics are just amazing and the movement between the songs is masterful. I have never heard a better succession of songs anywhere and performed live, well, there's just nothing like it.

I don't even want to think about how much I will miss these shows when they are over. Perhaps during "church" tomorrow night at Terminal 5, I should start praying for some AW studio time and a new tour. Now, that would be some Christmas gift.

My favorite shot of Greg from Toronto.

A Grief Observed - The Right Thing at the Right Time

I'm a big fan of those times when circumstances just "happen" to bring you to the perfect place. Today was one of those days. I was at the airport for work and had some down time in between meeting with workers there. I had down time because my iPad was not cooperating in giving me access to the website I needed to do my ACTUAL work. My iPad was not cooperating because I am horrible about remembering to update the software as needed. All of this led me to about an hour of nothing to do while I updated my iPad with iOS6.

The solution?

An iBook I had downloaded months ago called A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. It was the only book I had on the iPad that was still unread so I gave it a go. Within minutes I found myself fighting back tears as I read through the framework of a story much like my own - and that was just the Introduction. By the time I got to the actual book I stopped trying to fight the crocodile tears and just combined wiping them away with pretending to fix my hair. (I'm so slick.)

Thankfully, it wasn't until I got home and finished the book that I reached the part that really ripped out my heart, mostly for its raw honesty. (He refers to his wife who died as "H.")

Summer 2005

"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead thought to H. I set out on one of them. But now there's an impassable frontierpost across it. So many roads once; now so many culs de sac."

"For a good wife contains so many persons in herself. What was H. not to me? She was my daughter and my mother, my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign, and always, holding all these in solution, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress; but at the same time all that any man friend (and I have good ones) has ever been to me. Perhaps more. If we had never fallen in love we should have none the less been always together, and created a scandal."

He had me at suspense. It's a place I've inhabited for the last (almost) ten months but never really had a word to explain it. That constant mode of waiting for the other shoe to drop, of wondering if something the customer service rep will say or something waiting in that stack of mail at home will bring on the wave and lead me to yet another dead end. There are still days when I get in the car to drive home from work and instinctively reach for the phone to call him. And still, ten months later, when I give Domani a bath I sometimes must remind myself that I don't need to leave the extra space for Joe to sit next to the tub. There are thousands of places where I drive that remind me of thousands of things about him or about our relationship. There is an abruptness and a distinct pain when I hit the culs de sac where roads of love and life used to be.

One of the things that I have heard from numerous sources during my own grief journey is that part of dealing with the loss of a loved one is recognizing the "secondary" losses that come with it. Lewis' list reminded me of that. I did an exercise while a member of my Griefshare support group this past spring where I began listing the many things that Joe was to me. It was an incredibly helpful thing to do as I realized that I did not *just* lose my husband. I lost my fellow Mets fan, my handyman, my Sunday afternoon sports watching buddy, my source of laughter, my lawn mower, my cuddler, my back massager, my fellow Giants fan, my source of patience, my Scrabble challenger, my travel buddy, my music expert, my confidant, my leaf raker, my snow shoveler, my bug killer, my bill payer, my drinking buddy, my encourager, my fellow Greg Dulli fan, my concert company, my perfect gift giver, my voice of reason, my adventure companion, my mechanic, my shoulder to cry on, my eating out company, my tech expert, my peace, my pop culture/TV/movie guru, my lover, my best friend, and an amazing father for our son.

To varying degrees I've been grieving each of these losses in their own way and if you've been following my blog you have gotten glimpses into many of them over the past 7 months. There are some days, weeks, or months when these losses stand out more than others.

Last week I especially missed my fellow Mets fan as Domani and I watched R.A. Dickey notch his 20th win with much fanfare at CitiField. Joe was an R.A. fan before it was cool and one of my big regrets is asking Joe to wait until after we finished breakfast to approach R.A. for a photo and autograph when we saw him in DC last year. He was gone by the time we went back out to the lobby.

This week it will be my fellow Greg Dulli fan and concert company that I will miss the most as I get to enjoy the Afghan Whigs in Toronto and NYC, including an opportunity to sit in on their soundcheck in NYC (thanks to my fellow Mother Runner & AW fan, Malinda).

Next week, as we celebrate Domani's 2nd birthday, it will inevitably be Joe the father that we will miss most of all.

Today, though, I am just thankful for the seemingly random circumstances that led me to A Grief Observed and a new way to be at peace with my own journey, however rocky it may feel.

"For in grief nothing 'stays put.' One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?"

All quotes from A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

The Weather is Getting Crisper - A Dear Joe Letter

Dear Joe,

The weather is getting crisper and the leaves are slowly starting to turn those beautiful shades of orange and yellow and red. Soon, those huge trees in our front lawn will have their release and there will be lots and lots of raking to do. I explained to Domani today what it would be like and told him that he would probably enjoy playing in the leaves. Thinking about the falling leaves and the raking that comes with it makes the tears come. I don't have to tell you that raking the leaves was always something you would do.

The weather is getting crisper and the Afghan Whigs are on a North American tour. Greg Dulli curated the ATP I'll Be Your Mirror Festival in NYC this weekend and it was wonderful. As if it wasn't enough that he was hanging around most of the weekend enjoying the bands, chatting with fans, and taking photos, he also brought Marcy Mays out on the stage during the AW set to perform My Curse. It was epic. But I don't have to explain that to you. Once again, seeing the Afghan Whigs in concert, was like a spiritual highway leading straight to you and it was definitely a fun trip (my May 23 AW trip). It culminated in the Bulletproof to Summer's Kiss to Faded trilogy with a little Where Did Our Love Go thrown in... which did nothing short of sending me over the moon wishing you were in my arms again.

The Afghan Whigs playing What Jail is Like

Marcy Mays on lead vocals for My Curse

Greg watching Charles Bradley's performance.

The weather is getting crisper and I'm remembering what our life was like this time last year. We had recently taken Domani to his first MLB game - a Mets v. Nats matchup in DC and we saw Keith Hernandez and R.A. Dickey hanging out at our hotel and Domani had a blast exploring the mall attached to the hotel and miraculously the Mets actually won our little guy's first game. A year ago this week we took Domani to his first game at Citifield and took a family photo with Mr. Met and you bought him his very own Mr. Met from the Team Store and amazingly enough the Mets won that day too. Last year this time we took Domani to the Adventure Aquarium in Camden and Pirate Day at the Princeton Shopping Center and then we celebrated his first birthday at a party packed with family and friends. But you were sick. And I can't help but remember that too.

Domani's first game at Citifield, gripping that Mr. Met from his Daddy

Pirate Day - September 17, 2011

Joe & Domani at Adventure Aquarium

The weather is getting crisper and there's a new iPhone out. You missed the 4s and now you're missing the 5. I can't help but remember our trips to the Apple Store in Freehold Mall and how I was VERY pregnant while we waited to get the iPhone 4. Some friendly folks in line found a chair for me while you were waiting in the other line, but mall security made us return it to the Starbucks. I *almost* put my organizing skills into action, but we were so close to getting our phones that I let it slide and convinced everyone around me that they didn't need to start a protest on my behalf. I would buy you a new iPhone (and a new car) every year if I could just have you back here with us. But, of course, if there's anything these past few years have taught me it's that life is not about iPhones or cars.

The weather is getting crisper and Domani has already picked out his Halloween costume. He wants to be a football player. Specifically, he wants to be a Giants football player. You would be proud of this little guy and how much he already knows about sports. He also can't watch a baseball game without raising his fist and yelling "Mets!" Someone should probably tell him that once the weather gets crisper, there is usually no need to be cheering for the Mets, but that probably won't be me. I guess I should be happy that he chose to be a Giants player - at least we can tag that choice with the word "CHAMPION".

The weather is getting crisper and I just signed up for my first half marathon. I'm sure that would surprise you since this time last year I would have struggled to run a mile. Let's just say I've been inspired. Running to raise money for the fight against cancer has helped, (see Running the Undy 5000) but feeling healthier and having some time to think and just BE are what have really gotten me hooked. I know you would be proud of what I've accomplished so far and happy at how I'm fighting to be healthier.

The weather is getting crisper and I have to get the oil tank filled and the cars washed and the rose bushes pruned and I have to complete the application to refinance the mortgage and sort through your clothes and write some thank yous and yes, eventually rake the leaves. There's just no easy way to say that I miss you in both the everyday tasks and the lofty life moments.

Yes, the weather is getting crisper and it does make me miss you, but it also reminds me how this season in particular is full of sweet memories and the warmth of our love. And it always will be.

With Love,
Anne

Got another chance to meet Greg. Friday 9/21 at IBYM Festival.