Seasons of Love and Grief

September is already on its way out and with any luck it will take with it the summer weather that has stuck around just a bit too long. We are officially into the fall and soon enough the weather will undoubtedly catch up. Without fail, the change of season from summer to fall is a trigger for me. It was the time when Joe's health started to decline and so the fall included the last times that he, Domani, and I ventured out as a family. This year, though, the summer, too, carried its own weight so as the calendar turned to September and I felt the usual stirrings, I also felt myself finally starting to process the months that had come before.

I have realized several helpful things.

One - Loss and grief are unpredictable and can never be packed up in a neat box. In many ways, I have born witness to the pain of loss and grief in the lives of my friends and family over the past several months. In my own home, I continue to engage with my son as he works to process his dad's death. The quote that keeps coming back to me is one of my favorites from Anne Lamott.

I am thankful for the ways that I have moved from mourning to joy in my own life even in the midst of additional losses and the distinct pain that comes with them. I am also glad that I have learned enough about myself and the ways I grieve that I can do it with patience and find the strength through my faith to be there for others who are experiencing a loss. 

Two - There are some people who are in our lives for just a season and that is perfectly fine. It's important to soak up all of the good from that time, learn lessons where applicable, and let go when the time is right. It was true for me in more than one way over the last few months and the letting go has opened itself up to more good than I could have thought possible in even this short time - new people, new experiences, personal growth, deeper relationships - in a word, it's been healthy. It makes me think back to the biggest example of this in my life so far - when I finally accepted the end of a toxic relationship only to open the door to reuniting with Joe. Expending energy on pieces of life that are better let go keeps that energy from all of those other healthier places. I'm relieved that I was able to leave behind the toxicity all of those years ago and to once again accept when the season called for change and the redirection of my energy now.

Three - Although a week plus at Disney World certainly tested the boundaries, I could not be more thankful for my family. All 10 of us took on Orlando for our family vacation this year and it was not lost on me how lucky I am to have a family I can enjoy myself with for that long in such a high stress environment.

While we were there, I watched my super-mom sister Karen navigate her 3 children all under the age of 7 around 8 days of Disney World, ensuring that they saw and did each thing they wanted to do. It was nothing short of miraculous and we have over 700 official Disney pictures to prove it. 

I watched my dad tear up as he witnessed his grandkids getting hugs from princesses and then laugh with joy while getting his own photo with Chewbacca. It was not too long ago that my dad couldn't even walk around the floor during his hospital stay let alone spend 6 days walking around Disney World. At that realization, I was the one with tears in my eyes. We had serious life conversations late into the night while lounging in the hot tub, played insanely competitive poker games wagering whatever random things were lying around the dining room, and covered more miles than I can count making memories that will last a lifetime.

A very happy Dad making friends with Chewbacca

I've always known that my family is something special. After all, not only can I survive a week at Disney World with them, but they inspire me, encourage me, hold me accountable, and love me unconditionally. But there has been something about these past few months that has made me realize on a deeper level just how fortunate I am to have such a close-knit, loving family in my life. They are a lifeline and God knows I need that right now more than I ever have before.

The whole family with Chewbacca

Heading out to the field to run the bases
 after our last game of the year!

Four - Baseball is still my oasis even when the Mets are awful. Whether it was Citifield, Citizens Bank Park, or PNC Park, taking in a Major League Baseball game this summer was one foolproof way to calm my nerves and reset anything else in my life that seemed off kilter. Now, the standings don't lie. This was a tough season to be a Mets fan. The injuries. The drama. The "trades". The losses after losses after losses. My Neil Walker shirt still teases me every time I flip through my closet. Domani's Lucas Duda growth chart stares at us from the wall each night when I put him to bed - a bed that has a Curtis Granderson fathead within reach in one direction and a Thor news article in the other. This season with its high expectations that came crashing down has felt like a million tiny papercuts that never stopped coming.

Waiting out a rain delay, finding some hope in a rainbow

Yet even on our worst days this season when it was nearly impossible to find a "fan" with a good word to say, I still had the privilege of enjoying baseball with my son. We did it for 20+ games between NYC and Philadelphia and because I never know when that privilege may be taken from us, I will never take it for granted. Domani is a smart and enthusiastic baseball fan. He studies statistics, watches replays, and now knows more about the Mets roster than I do. He cheers for his Mets in any and all circumstances. It is a pleasure going to games with him.

This season he decided that he wanted to choose an American League team to cheer for as well. To make his decision, he studied. He spent many weeks following statistics and standings, reading about players, and checking out replays from games. About two months ago, he chose the Twins. (There was, admittedly, quite a bit of lobbying from my co-worker Mr. Seth, although this only served to make Domani resistant initially.) I guess the good news now is that at least one of us has a team to cheer on into October. It also doesn't hurt my "Ya Gotta Believe" optimism that Mr. Seth's Twins finished last year with 103 losses, even worse than our Mets this year. Tonight, I watched them celebrate clinching a Wild Card spot. You never know what can happen in a year.

Showing off his Twins hat and batting stance

Five - When I think I can't, I still can. A running lesson re-learned. While I was training for the Philly Marathon in 2014 in hopes of qualifying for Boston I learned a lesson on a particularly tough 10 mile run that powered me through to qualifying then and still stays with me - "When I think I can't, I can." The problem is that recently I have been talking myself out of it in a hundred different circumstances. This past month I decided that no matter what I would not let that happen.

Earlier this year I had signed up for the Newport Jersey City Half Marathon because it was a package deal with the Newport 10k. I fully intended on doing some training for it, but I didn't. I have no good reason for not training. I just didn't. Even so, I am still in decent running shape and my doctor assured me the week before the race at my annual physical that all systems were go. So, I decided my mantra would be "when I think I can't, I can" and even though an Afghan Whigs show the night before got me into my Jersey City hotel at 3am I was at the start line and ready to go by the 8:30am gun time.

Mid-race selfie with the Statue of Liberty

It was my slowest half marathon ever. Slower than the first one I ran in Miami Beach for my birthday. Slower than the Disney World one when I stopped and took photos with characters. Slower than my slowest by over 5 minutes. But I felt so good about it. I hadn't run the distance in a year so completing the race at a steady pace left me feeling powerful again. I'm claiming it as a personal victory because that is exactly how it felt - a beautiful reminder that when I think I can't, I still can. I feel like it's a mantra I can start carrying again in my life and one that I can allow to seep in much deeper than just for running.

Six - Music is still my best medicine and concerts my ultimate church. All summer long I had been looking forward to the fall for one big reason - all of the concerts. Starting with The Afghan Whigs in September and ending with Voodoo Fest in New Orleans, I spent the summer listening to music and longing for my opportunity once again to hear it all live.

Brooklyn Steel. 9/16/17

The Afghan Whigs shows did not disappoint. Three shows, each of them unique. So many of my friends there with me. Music that stirred up all of the feelings. A meet and greet with special merch in Philly. The performance in its entirety of In Spades at The Bowery Ballroom. Front and center with some of my most favorite people for a rock your face off set at Brooklyn Steel. Remembering Dave Rosser with love alongside others who got it.

With Malinda. Philly. 9/12/17

Into The Floor. Philly. Viva La Rosser. 9/12/17

Live Afghan Whigs shows can keep me going for weeks except that this time my music high was interrupted by some shitty news. I couldn't even process it when I saw that Charles Bradley had died. I thought back to when I first saw him in September 2012 at ATP's I'll Be Your Mirror Festival in New York City. I stood near Greg Dulli watching him perform one of the most exciting sets I had ever heard. I remembered October 2014 when I saw him open for The Afghan Whigs at The Beacon Theatre. He was my favorite part of that show and by that point I knew the words to almost all of his songs I had listened to him so much. His music changed me that night and continues to change me as I listen to it today. It's almost as if I have little personal revelations whenever I listen to his songs. Before his cancer came back he had returned to touring and was scheduled to play at Voodoo Fest in October. His name on the lineup was one of the reasons I so wanted to be there. I'm going to miss the Screaming Eagle of Soul, but am so thankful that I can continue singing along with my decidedly worse voice to his soul-shaking music.

EPILOGUE - Over the past few days as I have been writing this post, Domani has taken an interest in having me read to him from this blog. It's a little overwhelming. It started out one night when he was feeling sad about missing his dad and wanted to hear some stories about him. Having already read him the many photo books we have multiple times, I got the idea to offer him something a little different. So, I pulled up a post from 5 years ago that had come up in my Facebook memories and I read it to him. We laughed and cried together. At several points I stopped and asked him if he wanted me to continue reading, which he did. We finished that first post and he wanted me to read more. The following night, he again wanted to hear one of the "poems" I wrote about his daddy. We read the post I wrote on the first anniversary of Joe's death. He especially loved the photos and the parts of the post that mentioned him. He told me when we were done that he wants me to keep reading to him about his daddy. Reading those posts to him was an incredibly bonding experience. I'm looking forward to more of it as he is ready.

13 in 2013 aka How I Degenerate Into a Miserable Person When I Don't Run

At the end of 2012 I made a commitment for 2013 to run 13 races in 2013. I signed up as part of a group and agreed that I would run at least 13 races (of whatever length I could muster) at some point during the 12 months of 2013. I think I had completed four or five 5k races in 2012 so it seemed like a pretty big deal at the time.

The 13 in 2013 challenge has made it quite an incredible year for me. I ended up completing not only 13 races but a total of 17, including my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th half marathons. I also ran my first full marathon and improved my 5k time by almost 5 minutes. In the process, I completed my first double digit run ever and logged more than 750 miles. (January 19, 2013 - @MamaDeak Ran my first ever 10 miler this morning. Aside from giving birth to my son, it's the most powerful I've ever felt. #TLAM2013 #MotherRunner)

I ran through grief and a little bit of heartache. I ran happy and with expectation for the future. I ran with friends and family. I ran with teammates and I ran alone. I ran up and down the east coast - from Buffalo to Boca Raton. I ran in the sweltering heat and in the freezing cold, with wind whipping in my face and snow sticking to my eyelashes. I jumped over snakes, dodged spiders and ate bugs. I'm on pair #3 and #4 of running shoes since I took up running 2 years ago and on the 3rd incarnation of my wardrobe given that I've lost 45 pounds in the last year.

Through my races and the training that has come with them, I have learned one incredibly important lesson about myself - I need to run.

After completing my first full marathon and following it up with my first Run Disney race less than a week later, I took a lot of time off. I went from November 9th until December 17th not running anything more than a couple of 5k races (literally it was two - a Turkey Trot and a Mistletoe race). I thought that I was doing the right thing in taking all that time off from running and maybe my body did need a big chunk of rest, but my mind and my soul needed to run.

November and December were incredibly difficult months for me - professionally and personally. You name it and I had it going on. Life was piling on and running was the one time when I would have had the clarity to make sense of it all...or just stew when I couldn't. Without running I become irritable, anxious, and increasingly sad. Not running during the dark yet busy months of November and December only made these things worse. I'm reminded of a quote from Dimity McDowell that I read earlier this year, "Because sometimes running is the only thing to do when you don't know what to do." For me, I know now that couldn't be more true.

I began training again Christmas week and by Day 2 I felt like a new person. I was thinking more clearly. I was embracing life in a new way. I was caring much less about what other people thought and much more about what was right for my own journey on this planet. It's amazing what a few good runs can do. After my first week back to marathon training - this round of training is with the goal of a BQ - I knew that I could never take that long off from running again. My body, mind, and soul just need it too much. So what did I do? Well, I signed up for 14 in 2014.

My 13 (17) in 2013

1. March 2 - Cupid's Chase 5k, Princeton, NJ, 28:16

2. March 9 - Allstate Miami Beach 13.1, Miami Beach, FL, 2:11:39 (http://www.mamadeakspeaks.com/2013/03/train-like-mother-rocking-my-1st-half.html)

3. March 17 - Shamrocks for Sandy 10k, Manahawkin, NJ, 53:19

4. April 28 - Nike Women's Half Marathon, Washington, DC, 2:04:49 (http://www.mamadeakspeaks.com/2013/05/nike-womens-half-marathon-washington-dc.html)

5. June 2 - YMCA Montclair 10k, Montclair, NJ, 1:01:28 (http://www.mamadeakspeaks.com/2013/06/goodbye-to-grandpop-kady.html)

6. June 22 - Go Dirty Girl Mud Run, Albrightsville, PA, Untimed 5k with obstacles

7. July 7 - Color Run, Brooklyn, NY, Untimed 5k

8. July 13 - All Star Game 5k, Prospect Park, Brooklyn, NY, 26:41 (http://www.mamadeakspeaks.com/2013/07/five-days-of-baseball-heaven-in-nyc-all.html)

9. August 10 - Belmar Chase 5k, Belmar, NJ, 24:55

10. August 31 - Kentlands-Lakelands 5k, Gaithersburg, MD, 24:35

11. September 14 - Undy 5000 (5k), Philadelphia, PA, 23:29 PR! (http://www.mamadeakspeaks.com/2013/09/the-rock-n-roll-philly-half-marathon.html)

12. September 15 - Rock N Roll Half Marathon, Philadelphia, PA, 1:51:30 PR! (http://www.mamadeakspeaks.com/2013/09/the-rock-n-roll-philly-half-marathon.html)

13. October 13 - LBI 18 miler, Long Beach Island, NJ, 2:35:31

14. November 3 - ING NYC Marathon, New York, NY, 4:07:24 (http://www.mamadeakspeaks.com/2013/11/anne-luck-deak-marathoner.html)

15. November 9 - Disney Wine & Dine Half Marathon, Orlando, FL, 1:57:03

16. November 28 - Trinity Turkey Trot 5k, Princeton, NJ, 25:17

17. December 14 - Mistletoe 5k, Hamilton, NJ, 24:41 (http://www.mamadeakspeaks.com/2013/12/deep-darkness-and-budding-hope.html)

2013 was a great year. I ran some amazing races, met some awesome people, and had some of the most inspiring experiences of my life. Having already logged my first 6 training miles of 2014, I can't wait to see where this year takes me. I have no doubt it will be one heck of a ride.

The Rock n Roll Philly Half Marathon

I'm still on a high from last weekend. Maybe it was the fact that on Saturday morning I beat my personal best 5k time by more than a minute. Or that on Sunday morning I not only met my sub 2 hour goal in the half marathon, but crossed the line in 1:51:30. Or maybe it was that I did it all with my two best mother runner friends recording their own PRs in both races. Of course, it could have also had something to do with getting to go to my first ever regular season Giants game on Sunday afternoon - even if it was only to watch Eli get picked off endlessly in the end zone. 

If I were being completely honest though, it would mostly have to do with the great company I had for the weekend - a friend who made 3 days pass like 3 minutes and whose visit left me happier than I thought possible. Cloud 9 is a place I wasn't sure I would ever occupy again when Joe died in December 2011. But somehow, I have found myself recently with more and more cloud 9 moments and I'm so thankful for them.

My friend Erin shared this image about two months ago during what was a tough time for me and it has stuck with me and inspired me in different ways ever since. When I read it again before the Philly weekend started I realized just how far I have come in all aspects of my life - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - in just the last 6 months.

Marathon training has done wonders for me in each of these areas, but it hasn't been just running that has brought about these changes in me. It's been a few key relationships that I have taken time to make sure I maintain come hell or high water in the midst of a busy schedule. It's been making sure I say bedtime prayers with my little guy and get to spiritual direction once a month. And it's been a more conscious effort to track what I feed my body and my mind. Oh, and really, really, really trying to get some sleep.

All of that is to say that I was in a good place coming in to the Rock N Roll Philly Half Marathon weekend. My goal was a good 5k race on Saturday morning for the Undy 5000, a fundraiser for the Colon Cancer Alliance and then my very first sub-2 half marathon on Sunday morning. The weather forecast was looking good. My mother runner friends Malinda and Melissa were in town for both races. My friend Justin had come in for the weekend and my training had been going so well. I had been steadily knocking time off my 5k races all summer. I had a feeling it would happen again - I just had no idea by how much! 

Malinda held her speedy title of the group and hammered out the 5k race in a very impressive 22:38, taking first place in her age group. Melissa and I tried to keep her in our sights and managed our own personal bests - I finished more than a minute better than I did just two weeks before in Maryland coming in at 23:29 and Melissa was not far behind me at 24:34. We took 2nd and 3rd in our age group (until as a postscript two women finished WAY later but with faster times and pushed us to 4th and 5th, not sure Melissa even knows this...BOOOOOOO!) Regardless, it was awesome fun and there's not much like being able to walk around all day saying you won the race (even if you didn't technically win the race). As far as mother runners go, we felt pretty powerful and certainly ready to kick some half marathon butt.

The rest of the day went by quickly. A trip to the race expo to pick up our numbers and do some shopping. Lunch from Reading Terminal Market where we had also eaten the day before. A visit to hang out with Domani and watch some college football. A tasty but noisy dinner at Pietros. Then, it was time to finalize the playlist on my iPhone and lay out everything I needed for the morning - and I had to do it all by 11pm because apparently I had a lights out bedtime for optimal sub-2 performance. Although I was stressed trying to get everything done and I was not confident by 11:10pm that my playlist was exactly the way I wanted it, I went to sleep. This was the first time I have ever gotten a restful night's sleep before a race. I think it paid off.

Rock n Roll Philly Half Marathon Playlist

I Need You by Scrawl
Don't Stop Believin' by Journey
Roar by Katy Perry
Hurricane by Bridgit Mendler
Enter Sandman by Metallica
Feathers by Coheed and Cambria
Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen
A Cut Above by Avery Watts
Everlasting God by Jeremy Camp
Fountain and Fairfax by The Afghan Whigs
Shout at the Devil by Motley Crue
Girl on Fire (feat. Nicki Minaj) by Alicia Keys
Holding Out for a Hero (Glee Cast Version)
The Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga
Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue
I Don't Wanna Stop by Ozzy Osborne
Shut Up and Drive by Rihanna
Fight for Your Right by Beastie Boys
Gasoline by Audioslave
Superman (Glee Cast Version)
Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses
Titanium (feat. Sia) by David Guetta
The Warrior's Code by Dropkick Murphys
Funky Cold Medina by Tone-Loc
Solidarity Forever by Vayizaku
Gold on the Ceiling by The Black Keys
Friday by Rebecca Black
Black Betty by Ram Jam
Turn on the Water by The Afghan Whigs
Lose Yourself by Eminem
Shut Up and Drive by Rihanna (yes, it's a repeat)
A Cut Above by Avery Watts (yes, it's a repeat)
You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC
Big Foot by Chickenfoot

I didn't need anything past Turn On the Water because I finished the race in 1:51:30, much faster than I thought possible when I set out on my sub-2 mission. Melissa, God bless her, hung with me the whole time and even pushed me when I hit my mental wall right around mile 11. We maintained an average pace of 8'31" for 13.1 miles on a Sunday morning in September and we will talk about that morning with huge smiles on our faces FOREVER.

These are the smiles we will have FOREVER.
Photo from right after we crossed the finish.

We grabbed all the water and chocolate milk and Gatorade and bagels we could get our hands on in the finishers area, found Melissa's husband Paul and then went off to find Melissa's mom and kids and Justin. Of course, before we left we posed for some triumphant finisher's photos!

I know. I look way too cool to have just run 13.1.

Yep, we're still smiling.

Poor Justin had to listen to me randomly say 1:51:30 for the rest of the day. I couldn't help it. Even a week later it still seems a little unbelievable. I guess it will stay unbelievable until the next race - when I do something I didn't think I could possibly do. Mark your calendars for October 13th, people. That's when I will run the LBI 18 miler. Oh boy!

You would think that running a half marathon would be enough for one day, but in my world of "Do what you love and do it often" you would be wrong. So, after the half marathon, we took a quick triumphant mother runner photo in the lobby of our hotel and then Justin and I were off to the Manning Bowl back in NJ.

Melissa, Malinda, and Me after running for PRs in the RnR Philly Half

Obviously, I was wearing the shirt of the wrong Manning brother, but we had fun anyway. It was my first ever regular season NFL game so I was mostly able to overlook the fact that the Giants had a complete meltdown. We enjoyed our seats. The weather was beautiful. And we were watching the Manning brothers play some football. We also got to watch Bill Parcells receive his Hall of Fame ring in a special ceremony at halftime which wasn't nearly as exciting for Justin as it was for me. In fact, I'm pretty sure there were some not so nice words being mumbled under his breath while Parcells was speaking. At least we didn't hit any traffic on our way out since the Giants fans were kind enough to clear out early as the loss became more and more lopsided.

Giants v. Broncos 9/15/13 - Section 204

I read the Life poster again at the end of the weekend after I had returned to the rhythm of work with the excitement of the race weekend and Justin's visit behind me. The part that stuck out the most to me then was the end - "Life is short. Live your dream, and wear your passion." I feel like I have learned this lesson well in my 35 short years and I am finally doing it with gusto. I also know that nothing makes me happier than when I can take others along for an exciting adventure - whether it's running a race, taking a trip, or something even more life changing. I know I'm blessed to be able to do that and I don't plan on stopping any time soon. We get this life once and I, for one, love living it.

Nike Women's Half Marathon - Washington, DC

Today I went for my first run since I completed the Nike Women's Half Marathon a week and a half ago in Washington, DC. It's been a frustrating 9 days as I waited and waited and waited until my poor feet were back in a shape that would allow me to run again without pain. The main culprit was an infected toe, although  I also had a fair share of blisters and even my first lost toenail.Yes, I certainly earned my 7 minute PR on that race. My finish did not come without some physical sacrifice.

I may have only covered just over two miles in the early evening humidity today, but it felt like an awfully big deal. I was getting my groove back and jumping back into a training mode and it felt good. I used my playlist from the NWM half and each song I ran with brought me back to a wonderful weekend shared with family and friends.

Outside the Expotique with Malinda and Melissa

I was blessed to make the trip to DC with my son and my aunt and to meet up with my two Best Running Friends (BRFs) Malinda and Melissa. Malinda had convinced Melissa and I to sign up with her for the race back in December when it was announced. At that time I had just started training for my first half marathon. I'm so glad we registered for the lottery and gained entry because we had such a special weekend together. 

Malinda, Melissa and I kicked off our racing fever together at the Nike Georgetown store bright and early Saturday morning for a Q&A with Shalane Flanagan and Joan Benoit Samuelson. The Q&A was followed by a short shakeout run with these two running greats. Since Malinda, Melissa and I don't live nearby each other, the three of us don't get to run together often so being able to run side by side with Shalane and Joan leading the pack was pretty much as cool as it gets. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to get photos with the ladies and I'll never forget that Joan told me she loved my "I Run Things" shirt.

With Shalane Flanagan and Joan Benoit Samuelson at Nike Georgetown

Our names were along the wall at the Nike store - Found MINE!

Sipping on our post-run Jamba Juice smoothies (a very nice touch) Melissa and I made our way towards packet pick up. Within minutes I had my race packet and Melissa had an easy time replacing hers which was accidentally left in a cab the night before. More kudos for the Nike race operation.

When I got back to the hotel my son was still in his PJs munching on his breakfast, meaning we had plenty of time to get to the zoo and enjoy a beautiful day in DC. The National Zoo brought back lots of memories for me and more than once the tears pooled up in my eyes. Joe and I had brought Domani there just before he turned 1 on a trip we made to DC for a Mets v. Nats game. We went to many of the same places and even took photos in some of the same spots. The little guy had a blast and especially enjoyed telling the lions to wake up, trying to eat the dirt like the orangutan, and naming all the parts of the elephant. I'm so glad we had time to do some sightseeing while we were in town for the race.

National Zoo - September 2011

National Zoo - April 2013

Saturday night found us out to a delicious Italian dinner with a good friend and her family. It was just the right amount of carb loading, great conversation, and crazy toddler antics to make for a wonderful evening. When it was all over, we even had our own little brush with unidentified fame as my friend's little charmer caught the attention of a couple leaving the White House Correspondents Dinner. It was the perfect lead in to my race, if only I had been able to fall asleep. I always have a problem sleeping the night before a race. Mostly, it's because I'm worried I will oversleep and miss the start.

This time I was awake and ready to go with no problem. There is always something special about pulling on my Team Sparkle skirt for a race and for this 13.1 I was decked out in my Another Mother Runner BAMR tank which adds a whole new layer of kick ass to my running gear. I gathered up my things, kissed my sleeping little guy goodbye and headed to the Metro. Call it fate, but as soon as I stepped out at the Federal Triangle stop, there was Malinda! I gave her a big hug and we spent some time exploring the starting area together - dropping off her bag, making a visit to the porta potties, taking some photos, and eventually making our way to the corrals. My favorite moment was when we were walking back to the corrals from the porta potties and I panicked thinking I had lost my Gu Chomps. My tweet recounting the moment: @MamaDeak: OH NO! Where are my Gu Chomps? Oh, they are in my boob." That just happened. @GUEnergyLabs #WeRunDC

Just before moving to my corral.

Malinda, Melissa, and I were each in different start corrals (in that order) but Melissa and I were planning on pacing together for at least the beginning of the race so she came back and joined me in the 10 minute corral. It was crowded but somehow we managed to find each other and even more amazing we managed to stay together for the first few miles of the race. It was crowded and didn't really start to space out until about mile 4. In fact, I missed the mat marking the first 5k because I was running up on the curb to pass around a crowd of runners. Rookie mistake, right?

At the 10k mat, I made sure to cross over it with gusto and knew from my Nike+ app that I was putting in a good pace. While my app was a little off on the miles, I knew that I was at least on pace to go sub 2 as I had dreamed, but I had no real idea how close I was to the goal. As it turns out I crossed the 10k mat at 56:56.

I felt really great running this race - that is until I hit miles 7-9. They were by far the hardest part of the course for me. The views were beautiful, but the heat was starting to set in and there was much less crowd support on that part of the course than there was anywhere else. My strongest shot of adrenaline came from the awesome sign "If Sarah Palin can run, so can you."  I literally said out loud "Touche!" and then picked up my pace. It's amazing what a little sign can do for you, but it was still a tough slog through those miles. I made quick work of my Gu Chomps and hydrated religiously - all of which I think helped push me through to the end. 

Once I came up on that 15k mark and could visualize running what was basically a 5k I felt another jolt of adrenaline. The crowd support was back - complete with a line of young people waiting to give high fives and all I wanted to do was cross that finish line and hug my little guy. There was one tunnel where the noise of the drums really made things uncomfortable for me, but otherwise the last 3 miles were just willing my body to not lose pace. I knew that if I just kept moving I would at least beat my time from Miami and given how much my feet were hurting and how hot my body was getting I would count that as a victory. Once the finish line was in sight it felt like it kept getting further and further away, but eventually there I was face to face with that blue Tiffany box trying to keep myself standing upright. It was wonderful. I knew I had beaten my time by a significant amount.

In the end, my official finish was 2:04:49, almost 7 minutes better than my 2:11:39 finish in Miami Beach less than 2 months earlier. I was tired and sweaty and I knew that I would have to nurse my feet back to health, but it was so worth it. After I got back to my hotel room, I tweeted: @MamaDeak: I've got blisters, bloody toes, a new PR, and a little blue box. I say I came out on top. #WeRunDC @runnikewomen

This was a truly special weekend. Family. Good friends. Running. A personal record. All in a very special city. It doesn't get much better than that. Except that somehow it did...because the postscript to my weekend is that my favorite running website www.anothermotherrunner.com asked me some questions and did a really lovely feature this past Thursday mentioning the NWM and my plans to run the NYC Marathon in November in an effort to raise money for The American Cancer Society. Through the feature, I connected with so many amazing Mother Runners and more than ever I feel blessed to be a member of this tribe of kick ass women.

With Malinda and Melissa at the We Run sign

Post-race with Melissa

Train Like a Mother - Rocking My 1st Half Marathon

This time last year I was just starting to get my butt off the proverbial couch. It was a little over 3 months since my husband Joe had died from colon cancer and I decided that I needed an outlet for my sadness, anger, and frustration. Yoga had been my constant companion throughout my pregnancy (which coincided with Joe's diagnosis) and his illness, but running became my godsend during grief. After running seven 5k races in 2012, I decided to take on a bigger challenge for my birthday in 2013. So, on Saturday, March 9, 2013 through a stream of tears I crossed the finish line of my first half marathon with Lady GaGa's Edge of Glory pounding in my ears and the perfect sun of South Beach beaming down on my sweaty Mother Runner bod. It was an accomplishment that I suspect will make me well up for many years to come. 

Used this photo to text some family and friends that I was done!

Cheering my finish in Miami Beach were my inspiring little guy Domani, my good friend Karen, Joe's cousin Tony, and Tony's friend Layla. What an amazing feeling to exit from the runners' area loaded down with post-race nourishment, medal clanging around my neck and pick up my little guy in a sweeping hug, only to have him stare right at my medal with a glimmer in his eye. Yep, HE ended up wearing it more than I did that day - and I'm ok with that.

The little guy sporting my medal.

Watching from many states away via the live tracking feature were my mom, Joe's mom and sister, and my friends Erin and Christon. They knew I had achieved my goal the minute I crossed the finish line and I was flooded with sweet tweets and text messages. 

Awaiting the news on social media were countless friends and family members who had supported me through my 15 weeks of training including my cousins Suzanne and Bob who had run my very first 5k with me just last April. There were Mother Runners and Run Chatters, friends from work and friends from college, fellow Afghan Whigs fans and lifelong friends. There were union people and yoga people, support group people and church people. There were high school friends and brand new friends, country line dancing friends and every type of family member you can imagine. From every corner of my life, I felt so much love.

As I crossed the finish line, it was Lady Gaga's Edge of Glory (as recommended by Christon) that pushed me through, but along the way there were many other songs on my playlist that made this race incredibly special. About a week before the race I decided that I was going to ditch my usual "workout tunes" playlist and create a new one just for this half marathon. I posted my request for song suggestions on FB and Twitter and I made personal requests to some family and friends to give me their songs. I ended up with more songs than I needed for my 2:11:39 journey, but I have many special memories of particular moments before, during and after the race listening to the music that had been chosen for me.

I was driving south from my hotel towards the start line listening to Hearts on Fire (as recommended by Mauro). I remember the odd mix of clubbers calling it a night and runners making their way to the start line - all making for a very crowded pre-dawn South Beach. I also remember the sinking feeling I got when I arrived at the garage where I had planned to park only to see a "FULL" sign at the entrance. As I noticed the time (5:35am) I started to feel a slight panic rise because I was really not prepared with a Plan B (so VERY unlike me!) Thankfully, just a block away I found another parking garage and I made it to the start line with plenty of time to spare. 

Looking towards the start line full of anticipation.

Pre-race photo!

At the suggestion of a very wise runner friend I created my playlist with some slower songs up front to keep my pace steady in the beginning. It was a smart move and my easy tunes helped me keep a comfortable pace through the first few miles. I remember running past the Convention Center and then on a quiet street where we were treated to the spectacle of "Doctor Dribble", the guy who was running the race while dribbling not one, but two basketballs (This guy is really pretty incredible, not only because he finished faster than me while dribbling two basketballs, but also because he raised money to help foster kids while he did it...more on him including photos here.) 

After my Doctor Dribble encounter, I discovered the joy of running with a pace group. I latched on to a 2:10 pace group for the next two miles and found that to be incredibly helpful. Once I came in to mile 4, the faster tunes started to pick up and once A Cut Above came on (a Mother Runner recommendation), I decided it was time to let loose. Then, I saw it rising in front of me. That dreaded elevation. Somewhere around mile 5, I was facing down the full wrath of the Julia Tuttle Causeway bridge and what comes through my earphones but Eye of the Tiger (recommended by John). I couldn't have planned it better if I were writing my own screenplay. I took it on like a champ and was rewarded with some Beastie Boys (as recommended by @helenabrit72), the halfway point, and a nice jaunt through downtown Miami.

Seven miles were down and I was starting to feel it in the blisters on my toes and some unwelcome chafing. The sun was getting intense. I went to put on my sunglasses only to realize they were covered in sweat. Immediately ahead was the mile 8 sign and another bridge. In my mind I had convinced myself that it would be perfectly fine to just walk up the hill (plenty of people were doing it). Then....I Don't Wanna Stop by Ozzy Osbourne (recommended by Justin...touche Justin). Followed by Kickstart My Heart (recommended by Melissa). Followed by Lonely Boy by The Black Keys (recommended by Susie). All of which combined for my fastest split on the course. 

Fast forward to mile 11 and the transition from the Macarthur Causeway bridge to the South Point Park bay walk. The Biscayne Bay stretched out beautifully on my right and Sunshine of Our Love (recommended by Joe's Mom) played in my ears. It's a song that she carefully chose for its guitar and its lyrics, without even knowing that Joe and I had played it endlessly together on Guitar Hero. There was more than just sweat in my eyes as it all sank in - mile 11, missing Joe, the beauty of that moment, the many blessings of my life, the sunshine of OUR love which in some way will always be there no matter what lies ahead. 

The final combo of Stronger (recommended by Kathleen), Titanium (recommended by Tarah), Paranoid (recommended by Scott) and, of course, Edge of Glory (recommended by Christon) provided just the burst of power that I needed for that last mile and a half and I still had plenty of awesome tunes left on my playlist to jam to on the car ride back to the hotel. I had fun running this half marathon and the best part was that my disciplined training allowed me to recover quickly and really enjoy the rest of our vacation in SoFl. 

Getting to the finish of 13.1 has been a long journey with many cheerleaders and quiet heroes along the way. I couldn't possibly list them all here, but I do know that I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Sarah Bowen Shea and Dimity McDowell of www.anothermotherrunner.com for their Train Like a Mother Half Marathon Finish It plan and to all those who have watched my little guy while I have gone on my runs: my parents, Meredith, Liz, Aunt Nancy, Aunt Lorelei, Erin, Karen, Jen, Joe's Mom & Ross, Ken, and of course Karen C, Tony, and Layla who took care of him during the big 13.1! It's not easy for a single mom to train for a half marathon. During the height of my training, I was putting in 30 miles a week not including cross training sessions - that's a lot of child care time on top of the already hectic work schedule I maintain. The friends and family members who helped me are phenomenal and having a plan to follow put it all within reach. Perhaps though, I should wait a bit before I break the news to everyone that my goal for next year is a full marathon!

My Allstate Miami Beach 13.1 Playlist
(There were 16 more songs on the playlist that I didn't need because I finished!)
I Need You by Scrawl
One More Day by david m. bailey
Domani by Greg Dulli
Faded by The Afghan Whigs
Don't Stop Believin' by Journey
Seasons of Love from Rent
Feathers by The Twilight Singers
Everlasting God by Jeremy Camp
I'm a Believer by The Monkees
Dream On by Aerosmith
Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen
A Cut Above by Avery Watts
Black Betty by Ram Jam
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
Fight for Your Right by The Beastie Boys
My World Is Empty Without You by The Afghan Whigs
Memory by Sugarcult
Got a Thing on My Mind by Sharon Jones and The Dap Kings
Holding Out For a Hero by The Glee Cast
Kick Drum Heart by The Avett Brothers
I Don't Wanna Stop by Ozzy Osbourne
Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue
Lonely Boy by The Black Keys
Lose Yourself by Eminem
Rie y Llora by Celia Cruz
So Tight by Greg Dulli
Run Around by Blues Traveler
Raise Your Glass by Pink
Sunshine of Your Love by Santana (feat. Rob Thomas)
Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) by Kelly Clarkson
Titanium by David Guetta & Sia
Paranoid by Black Sabbath
The Edge of Glory by Lady GaGa

I Want to Run Like Mommy

Today as per my Train Like a Mother Half Marathon: Finish It Training Plan I completed an 11 mile run. In the 27 degree cold. Up hills and around ice patches. Through as yet unmelted snow. It was my longest run yet and for at least the first 10k it was the fastest I've ever gone. It was definitely one of those mind over body runs. And it felt fabulous.

In fact, it felt a lot like this:

Thanks to @hcunninghamrd for this inspiration!

I saw this image posted on Twitter earlier in the day and it was stuck in my mind throughout my run. Each time I hit a patch of snow or felt overwhelmed by the cold I got a burst of energy as this photo and the accompanying slogan played again in my head. Even though for me running isn't about "earning a body", the sentiment is the same - it is hard work and there is a reward. I am loving the challenge of training for a half marathon and the places I have found support along the way. As I prepare to enter my 10th week of training I couldn't be happier for the ways I have found inspiration in the doldrums of this season. Winter running just feels bad ass and there is no describing what it does to my body and my spirit.

One drawback of the winter though, has been the shortened daylight hours. When I left for the run it was late in the afternoon and my little guy was taking his nap. By the time I got back the sun had just about set and the full moon had started to take its place in the sky. He was very excited to show it to me even though what my body wanted to do was curl up in a ball under an electric blanket (do people still have electric blankets?). Instead, I checked out the moon with him while I sucked down a glorious glass of chocolate milk. 

Sometime shortly after dinner, a great running day got even better. It was then that I experienced a proud Mother Runner moment that is making me teary eyed all over again just thinking about it. Domani was talking with my Dad and and my Dad was asking him about what kind of sports he wants to play when he gets older. Dad was rattling off a list of possibilities and Domani just blurted out "I want to run like Mommy!" Seriously. Without prompting. (Well, unless you count the fact that I had just gotten back from a run about 45 minutes before.)

It was priceless. And, apparently, it set off some sort of trigger in his mind because he proceeded to run off into the living room and then showed up wearing my sneakers and trying to stuff a phone into my armband. When he noticed that I was there watching him, he looked me right in the eye and said "READY TO RUN, MOMMY!" (And, yes, he was so excited that he was basically yelling it.) When I asked him where we were going to run he told me that we were going to his cousins' house (which by the way is about 21+ miles away...) Apparently, not only am I raising a runner, but I'm training a little marathoner. Love this little guy. I guess that means I better put a marathon on my own schedule at some point in the future :-)

"READY TO RUN, MOMMY!"

The One Year Anniversary in Eight Acts

I. Facebook Photos - Sometime just before I fell asleep last night I started looking through my photos on Facebook, commenting on some, liking others. I did it again when I had a free moment earlier tonight. It was cathartic to look back over the events, places, and people who had been a part of my life with Joe. It was also healing to watch throughout the day as others interacted with the photos. Here are a few of the photos that struck me and why:

NLDS - October 4, 2006
Mets v. Dodgers/Mets win 6-5
WP: Guillermo Mota (LOL), LP: Brad Penny
This is my favorite Mets game photo of us ever.

I love this moment from our wedding day because it was natural and took place in our backyard. 

How could I NOT love the photo of us in the Mets dugout?
And this is particularly special because I was pregnant with Domani.

Joe with Domani at the beach for the first time. I'm just glad that Joe and his
Mom and her husband Ross were able to share this 1st together.

Domani's first baseball game was a Patriots game with Joe and Joe's Dad.
Baseball was a favorite pastime of Joe's and I'm glad they shared that 1st together.

Excuse the quality of this one - it's a photo of a framed photo that hangs in my house.
I took it while Joe was in the hospital in January 2010 and
posted it to his Facebook page. It's special.

My all time favorite "party" picture of Joe. He's got his go-to beverage and,
of course, a water gun.

II. The Bank - This morning I took care of some of that day-to-day business stuff that I never seem to have the time or emotional resolve to finish. With some help from family, I was able to tackle the final tasks that remained at the bank. I do have a few things on what seems to be a never ending list that need to be done but at least I feel like I am continually making progress. 

III. Go On - I didn't get to watch this week's episode of Go On last night when it aired so I was happy to have a few moments before my massage appointment to watch it. It went perfectly with a cup of tea and my chocolate chip muffin from Mendoker's. Once again, there was something in this episode that hit me like a ton of bricks. At the beginning of the show, the conversation in their support group turns to the end of the world (of COURSE it does with the Mayans and everything) so Matthew Perry's character Ryan King ends up telling the story of legendary college basketball coach Jimmy Valvano and his speech from the 1993 Espys. He talks about the 3 things named by Jimmy V that make for the perfect day - laugh, think, cry - and then sets out to pursue them.

Here's a powerful excerpt from that 1993 speech:

"To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special."

To "laugh, think, cry" I'll also add "push" because my feeling is that we should all push ourselves beyond what we think we can do in one area of our lives every day. Think of the amazing things that can come from a life of those four things.

You can watch Jimmy Valvano's speech and read the transcript here.

IV. The Massage - One of the smartest plans I made for today was booking a massage with Nancy, my regular massage therapist. She is awesome. And today's massage was really something special. During the final half hour, I found myself in the strange place of having a conversation with Joe. I know how that may sound if you have never experienced anything like it so I won't even try to explain it. I can only say that for me it was very real and it still is real a full twelve hours after it happened. The conversation went like this:

Joe: I didn't want to leave you, babe, but my body was ready.

Me: I know. It's ok.

Joe: I knew you'd be ok.

Me: We miss you, but we are.

It doesn't sound like much even now as I am typing it out, but that was it and for me it was profound. It brought lots of tears, a runny nose, and an overwhelming sense of love and peace. It was what I needed and I'm glad I opened myself up to it.

V. The Cemetery - This was probably the hardest part of the day for me. Joe's Dad happened to be there at the same time I went and I felt the tears welling up as soon as I turned the corner towards where Joe's crypt is located within the mausoleum. It was comforting to have someone else there to share in my sadness and I have to think that Joe would have wanted to see his family comforting each other through this grief we are all feeling. Even though it was hard, I'm glad I went to the cemetery today. For me, it has been a place to sit with my grief and, while sometimes painful, that has played a role in helping me move forward.

VI. A Five Mile Run - As a part of my half marathon training program, I put in a 5 mile run at a 10'04" pace on one of my most hilly routes. It was my fastest run of that length so far and physically I felt great. After the difficult trip to the cemetery, I also found it to be emotionally healing. There is just something about moving along the solace of the road that feels powerful and peaceful all at once. Going for a run always helps me feel centered in my day and in my life and that couldn't have been more true today.

VII. My World Is Empty Without You & The Afghan Whigs - What would today be without something Afghan Whigs-related? For the past several weeks The Afghan Whigs have been uploading to Facebook various YouTube videos of songs along with brief background blurbs on the songs, usually from lead singer Greg Dulli. The video that went up today was, of course, My World Is Empty Without You (yes, a cover of the song by The Supremes). It happens to be in my top 3 AW covers of all time and the one that I have listened to again and again since Joe died. I feel every piece of that song and somehow there it was right in my Facebook feed...today.

My World Is Empty Without You - Live by The Afghan Whigs

My world is empty without you, babe
My world is empty without you, babe

And as I go my way alone
I find it hard for me to carry on
I need your strength
I need your tender touch
I need the love, my dear
I miss so much

My world is empty without you, babe
My world is empty without you, babe

From this old world
I try to hide my face
But from this loneliness
There's no hiding place
Inside this cold and empty house I dwell
In darkness with memories
I know so well...

I only hope that somehow the band heard my Facebook plea to incorporate this song into their New Years Eve playlist. Hey, a girl can dream.

VIII. Many, Many Wonderful People - There are literally too many to mention, but today I received countless texts, emails, cards, FB posts and messages, tweets, hugs (both virtual and IRL), and phone calls. I am thankful for each one of them and the piece of my heart that each warmed. Once again, the support network that Domani and I enjoy is unbelievable and you all keep us going when it all feels impossible. 

I miss Joe. I miss Joe the husband and I miss Joe the father. There are many others who miss Joe too and I continue to find comfort in our shared grief and "Joe stories". We are bound by this wonderful man for as long as we live and that is a special thing. I am humbled by that bond and I am thankful for those who have been moved to offer their support without ever even knowing Joe. He truly was something special in that way.