The One Year Illusion

I guess I thought there would be something magical about passing the one year mark. Somewhere in the back of my mind I envisioned arriving at a year and a day and all of a sudden feeling differently in my grief. I guess I just felt like something in me would "click" and I would comfortably move into the "next" phase of my life. Not so much.

Maybe it's the Christmas season. Maybe it's the overwhelming pace of my life right now. Maybe it's just my own way of moving through this loss, but it didn't happen even close to that way. In fact, in some ways, this has been my most intense period of sadness and anxiety since immediately after Joe died. Perhaps the worst part of it for me is that this intensity has worn me out to the point of not even being able to blog about it.

Last Saturday, I ran a 5k race in 28:17 for my best 5k time yet. But, there's no blog post about my Mistletoe 5k run because by the end of that day I was just too exhausted to write anything about it.

On Monday, I was able to join with my family to celebrate my Dad's 60th birthday. My sisters deserve so much credit for all they did to coordinate it from the shirts with the mysterious Latin phrase to the gifts that were given every 60 minutes. It was truly special and though I missed having Joe there, the togetherness did help lessen the sadness and anxiety that had become my December companion. I only wish I had the energy to blog about it more fully when it was over.

On Wednesday night, my sister and Mom came over to help me turn my house upside down looking for a checkbook I needed for my mortgage refinance. We were ready to give up without having found it when I decided to take a look in my old purses and old work bag in my closet. In one of my old purses I found the little notebook within which I used to keep my Christmas gift lists. I immediately became distracted looking at the things I had bought last year for Joe for Christmas and then by glancing at my list from the year before that. Tears came with it. My blog post from last Christmas will give you an idea as to why...

Christmas

Written Dec 26, 2011 9:45am by Anne Luck-Deak

These last three weeks have flown by and dragged on at the same time. Domani and I have been surrounded by the love, protection and practical help of family and friends. We have seen an outpouring of support for Domani's education fund and have received expressions of sympathy from literally around the world. We have had meals dropped off and ordered for us (including a special something dropped off to us on Christmas Day). We have had some amazing people help with moving furniture, painting, cleaning, wrapping presents, and doing dishes - all in the midst of the Christmas season rush. It has been humbling to see the love poured on us in Joe's memory. I knew it before, but it is a continuous reminder of what an amazing guy we had in our lives.

Even with all of that love, yesterday was hard. For me, it was the hardest day since the one in January 2010 when Joe was first rushed to the hospital. Many people may not know this, but Joe was the best gift giver I've ever met (I understand that is not supposed to be "typical" for a guy.) He was thoughtful and creative and he always knew about the latest technology or could find the most obscure (yet perfect) gift. He knew his loved ones well and that made his carefully chosen (and usually ordered online) gifts perfect. 

Last year he wouldn't even tell me about the gifts he bought for Domani because he wanted them to be a surprise for me too. In addition to some Mets gear and a few educational toys, he got Domani a Curious George stuffed animal - because Curious George was Joe's favorite when he was little. Every time I look at that Curious George I think of Joe and his thoughtful love for Domani. And that makes me smile.

I missed exchanging gifts with Joe yesterday. Not because of the material things I would have received but because it was one of the many ways Joe would express his love. If you knew Joe, you know that he wasn't a much of a talker. But on Christmas he didn't have to be - he always found a way to speak his love through what he had chosen to give. Probably a good lesson for all of us and not just when it comes to material gifts.

In the midst of reminiscing about exchanging gifts with Joe I felt the urge to look in my old work bag and wouldn't you know it, there was the missing checkbook. It was almost as if Joe had led me right to it. Once again, during a normal month, I would have taken the time that night to write about it. But, no. Everything was just too exhausting.

I could probably name 20 more instances over the last 3 weeks where I've failed to capture events or realizations that were important to me. The lesson I have learned in the midst of it all is to be grace-ful towards myself. I can only do what I can do. As long as I am honest with myself emotionally and spiritually, do my best to tend to my physical well being, and make time to nurture the relationships in my life, I will come out ok. I have learned over the last few years deep lessons about what is important and what is not. Getting "over" my loss in one year is not important. Blogging a certain number of times is not important. And most certainly money and things and to do lists are not important. The important things in my life are people, moments, and those things we all do to build a better world. Those are the things I will cling tightly to this Christmas and that I know will keep me going even during the most difficult months.

Strength & Love - Living the Fall

I've spent a decent amount of time these past few weeks thinking back over life this time last year. For me, that has involved revisiting both my personal journal and the CaringBridge site I maintained for friends and family during the last two months of Joe's illness. I am now more thankful than ever that I was finally able to convince Joe in October of last year to let me to start the blog on CaringBridge because looking back on it is very meaningful. Joe was always relatively private about what was going on with him to the point that even some of his close friends and family members didn't realize exactly how serious his illness had gotten by the time the fall season was in full swing. Part of my hope in integrating these posts with my current blog is not so much to recall the difficulties of last fall, but to really remember the sweet moments, those times when even in the midst of pain, love was shining through in our lives.

I have found looking back on these blog posts to be a cathartic part of my grief journey because they are a way to remember Joe and how much strength and love he showed throughout his illness. Those things about him continue to be a model for me in my own life. It's so easy to lose perspective and call this my WORST day or complain about how EXHAUSTED I am or get ANGRY about the traffic or an issue at work. Revisiting these posts reminds me to re-focus on strength and love. So, I've decided to share some of these posts that had previously only been available on our protected CaringBridge site. I don't think I will necessarily share them all, but as I walk through this fall season which will inevitably lead to the cold winter and the one year mark of losing my Superman, I know I will somehow find comfort in walking through this season "with Joe".

Superman

Written Oct 13, 2011 3:12pm by Anne Luck-Deak

Many times over the past year and a half I have told Joe that he is my Superman and I think there is no time that has been more true than these past few weeks. After powering through intense radiation on his spine, he had surgery this past Tuesday to deal with the accumulating fluid in his lung. In the end, more than 2 liters of fluid was drained both through the surgery and using the catheter that was placed. (Imagine, a 2 liter bottle of soda - that's a LOT!) It's no wonder that he is now breathing easier!

In the midst of it all, we celebrated a very HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY with our little man and enjoyed all the love and support from family and friends. Domani enjoyed his birthday cupcake on Tuesday although he seemed more interested in eating his party hat (he'll learn)! The time has just gone by so quickly and we are looking forward to celebrating with the whole family this Saturday.

Joe started back with his chemo treatments today after a long hiatus for his radiation. Here's to hoping that this helps him find relief for some of his symptoms and that he is able to fully enjoy the party on Saturday.

Hurry Up and Wait

Written Oct 15, 2011 1:40am by Anne Luck-Deak

On Thursday, Joe resumed his maintenance chemo with the hope that it will get him back on track after a month and half with no chemo treatments while he received radiation to his spine. He is tired and still experiencing some side effects from being off the maintenance chemo for so long, but we are hopeful this will start to get the tumors back under control. We will just have to wait and see.

Thanks for all your support over this past week especially - it has not been an easy one for us. What a blessing though that in the midst of a tough week like this we were able to celebrate the birthday of our own little miracle. Domani is growing up so fast and we treasure every moment we get to spend with him. Extra hugs to you all today!

Happy Birthday, Domani

Written Oct 17, 2011 12:35am by Anne Luck-Deak

Well, it finally feels official. Now that we have celebrated Domani's first birthday with a proper party it finally feels like he is REALLY one! 

What a blessing it was to be surrounded by family and friends, to watch Domani running around the firehouse shrieking with his cousins and friends, and to even have Naomi join us via Skype! Domani is a bit slow on the unwrapping so we still have some unopened presents for him to get through, but it's just a way for his celebration to last even longer! We are truly overwhelmed by the generosity shown to Domani and to us.

While the party was a lot of fun it was also exhausting (for all 3 of us!) We have spent most of the time since then resting and enjoying some leftover goodies.

While Joe's appetite is still not great and he is experiencing some pain, Domani's birthday celebration went a long way towards lifting our spirits. We are so thankful for our little man and the joy he brings to our lives.

Looking back on these posts, I am reminded why I got my Superman tattoo back in March. I am also reminded of Joe's sheer joy at being able to be with his son at his 1st birthday party and that Domani's party was the last time Joe drove himself anywhere alone. And I laugh at the fact that just like last year, Domani still has a stack of birthday presents to open several days after his party. I remember our optimism that somehow this next chemo treatment would turn the tide in the cancer battle and buy Joe some more time with us. I remember the happiness of Domani's birthday celebration and how blessed I felt and I remember how completely and totally tired we were when it was all over.

I missed Joe incredibly when we celebrated Domani's birthday this past Saturday. It was a lovely day and I just know he would have had a blast following our 2 year old around and showing him all there was to do at Von Thun's Farm. Joe would have had so much fun with Domani and his cousins and there were quite a few moments when that realization took over my thoughts and emotions. For me though, the moment when I missed him the most that day was back at home, during the afternoon family nap time that followed the party. Because this year, Joe's nap couch was empty and that still has a sneaky way of yanking on my heart strings.