Tuesday, May 29, 2012
One of the Tough Questions
It flows naturally in the typical sequence of 'baby' questions: What's his name? How old is he? Oh, he's so cute. So when are you having another? I only get the 3rd question from people who don't know about Joe's passing because as I have come to realize people who know are generally pretty sensitive about saying things or asking questions that might give rise to any emotion on my part. (I actually feel pretty strongly that it's better for all involved when people do not treat me with kid gloves, but that is probably for another post...)
It's a well meaning question and if my circumstances were different I would be more than happy to gush about how I would love to have another and how Domani would be a great big brother and how we are just waiting for the timing to be right. But there's no 'we' and I'm in a very different place now than where I was just last year when I would have answered that way. Joe and I talked about having more kids. Even while he was sick we talked about it. Joe had stared amazed with me at that first ultrasound. He carefully picked our son's name. His eyes filled up with tears when Domani was born. And every moment from then on we enjoyed our son, our hope for tomorrow (see here for more info).
And now, especially as Domani grows and changes, all those conversations and dreams about having another just linger.
They linger every time I hear that someone I know is expecting. They linger every time I am with Joe's own siblings and their kids. They linger every time I think about my own childhood and the love of two amazing sisters. And, of course, they linger every time I get "the question".
Sometimes I answer the question with a simple 'no, I'm not having another' or 'not any time soon'. Depending on the situation, I may divulge that my husband passed away in December. I guess it's not hard to imagine that such a response puts a quick end to that line of questioning. Then, I feel bad because I know it must make the person asking feel bad. So, I do the whole 'it's ok, it's hard, but we're doing ok' routine (an honest routine, but a routine nonetheless).
The truth is that I would like to have another child, but I'm not convinced that will be my path. Right now that feels just about as impossible as the old camel through an eye of the needle trick in the Bible. Of course, the kicker to that verse is 'with God all things are possible'. So maybe I shouldn't take it on myself to rule anything out. Maybe for now the most appropriate answer is: 'right now, it's just me and Domani and I'm thankful for what I've got.'