Wednesday, October 9, 2013

NYC Marathon Training Update - 25 Days & Counting

After more than 5 months of fundraising and 3 1/2 months of training, I am $211.40 away from my minimum fundraising goal for the American Cancer Society and 25 days away from running the NYC Marathon. It's been quite a ride.

I have run over 360 miles in training.

I have watched my time in 5k races go from a 28:16 before my marathon training started to a 23:29 in my most recent race. I knocked almost 20 minutes off my half marathon time from March to September. I have completed my first ever 20 mile run.

On Sunday, I will run my final race before the marathon - an 18 miler on LBI that starts at one end of the Island and ends at the other. If you told me this time last year that I would be doing an 18 mile race I would have looked at you like you had two heads, but here I am trying to figure out whether I will do it at a 9'10" minute pace or if I can pull off something under 9.

I will run LBI with my friend Melissa. It's the same day that our friend Malinda will be running the Chicago Marathon. With that kind of high mileage, it's almost a guarantee that at some point that day all three of us will be listening to an Afghan Whigs song and running, sort of fitting given that it was those two things that brought us together around this time last year. I'm so thankful for these two amazing ladies who have inspired me and laughed with me and cried with me again and again since we first met.
With Melissa (left) & Malinda (center) after we all PRed at the Rock N Roll
Philly Half Marathon, 9/15/13
And looking back over the last 5 months I have realized that the most wonderful part of this ride has really been all of the support I have received along the way. The encouragement I got from each "A donation has been received..." email. The pure pleasure of chatting with a friend on a training run. The acquaintance who will tolerate my running stories about the snakes I saw on the towpath or the blisters I have on my feet. The fact that people from every corner of my life have reached out in various ways to express their support and excitement for this upcoming race and my fundraising efforts. 

So far I have received 68 donations totaling $3,588.40. I know that Joe would be so proud of all that we as a community have accomplished together.

I'm running the NYC Marathon with Team DetermiNation in memory of Joe.
Here we are with Domani at LBI, July 2011
I have one day left to raise the remaining $211.40 and up until I run the marathon to hit my goal of $5,000 raised for ACS. Given the amazing support I have already received from friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers I have no doubt that it will all come together. Then, on November 3rd, I will bask in all the excitement that is the NYC Marathon as 4 months of training comes together across 5 boroughs and 26.2 miles. It's going to be fabulous and I would be thrilled to see you somewhere along the course. Thank you all for being a part of my journey.

To make a donation to the American Cancer Society through my NYC Marathon fundraising page visit http://bit.ly/19BmD17.

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Rock n Roll Philly Half Marathon

I'm still on a high from last weekend. Maybe it was the fact that on Saturday morning I beat my personal best 5k time by more than a minute. Or that on Sunday morning I not only met my sub 2 hour goal in the half marathon, but crossed the line in 1:51:30. Or maybe it was that I did it all with my two best mother runner friends recording their own PRs in both races. Of course, it could have also had something to do with getting to go to my first ever regular season Giants game on Sunday afternoon - even if it was only to watch Eli get picked off endlessly in the end zone. 

If I were being completely honest though, it would mostly have to do with the great company I had for the weekend - a friend who made 3 days pass like 3 minutes and whose visit left me happier than I thought possible. Cloud 9 is a place I wasn't sure I would ever occupy again when Joe died in December 2011. But somehow, I have found myself recently with more and more cloud 9 moments and I'm so thankful for them.

My friend Erin shared this image about two months ago during what was a tough time for me and it has stuck with me and inspired me in different ways ever since. When I read it again before the Philly weekend started I realized just how far I have come in all aspects of my life - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - in just the last 6 months.

Marathon training has done wonders for me in each of these areas, but it hasn't been just running that has brought about these changes in me. It's been a few key relationships that I have taken time to make sure I maintain come hell or high water in the midst of a busy schedule. It's been making sure I say bedtime prayers with my little guy and get to spiritual direction once a month. And it's been a more conscious effort to track what I feed my body and my mind. Oh, and really, really, really trying to get some sleep.

All of that is to say that I was in a good place coming in to the Rock N Roll Philly Half Marathon weekend. My goal was a good 5k race on Saturday morning for the Undy 5000, a fundraiser for the Colon Cancer Alliance and then my very first sub-2 half marathon on Sunday morning. The weather forecast was looking good. My mother runner friends Malinda and Melissa were in town for both races. My friend Justin had come in for the weekend and my training had been going so well. I had been steadily knocking time off my 5k races all summer. I had a feeling it would happen again - I just had no idea by how much! 

Malinda held her speedy title of the group and hammered out the 5k race in a very impressive 22:38, taking first place in her age group. Melissa and I tried to keep her in our sights and managed our own personal bests - I finished more than a minute better than I did just two weeks before in Maryland coming in at 23:29 and Melissa was not far behind me at 24:34. We took 2nd and 3rd in our age group (until as a postscript two women finished WAY later but with faster times and pushed us to 4th and 5th, not sure Melissa even knows this...BOOOOOOO!) Regardless, it was awesome fun and there's not much like being able to walk around all day saying you won the race (even if you didn't technically win the race). As far as mother runners go, we felt pretty powerful and certainly ready to kick some half marathon butt.

The rest of the day went by quickly. A trip to the race expo to pick up our numbers and do some shopping. Lunch from Reading Terminal Market where we had also eaten the day before. A visit to hang out with Domani and watch some college football. A tasty but noisy dinner at Pietros. Then, it was time to finalize the playlist on my iPhone and lay out everything I needed for the morning - and I had to do it all by 11pm because apparently I had a lights out bedtime for optimal sub-2 performance. Although I was stressed trying to get everything done and I was not confident by 11:10pm that my playlist was exactly the way I wanted it, I went to sleep. This was the first time I have ever gotten a restful night's sleep before a race. I think it paid off.

Rock n Roll Philly Half Marathon Playlist

I Need You by Scrawl
Don't Stop Believin' by Journey
Roar by Katy Perry
Hurricane by Bridgit Mendler
Enter Sandman by Metallica
Feathers by Coheed and Cambria
Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen
A Cut Above by Avery Watts
Everlasting God by Jeremy Camp
Fountain and Fairfax by The Afghan Whigs
Shout at the Devil by Motley Crue
Girl on Fire (feat. Nicki Minaj) by Alicia Keys
Holding Out for a Hero (Glee Cast Version)
The Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga
Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue
I Don't Wanna Stop by Ozzy Osborne
Shut Up and Drive by Rihanna
Fight for Your Right by Beastie Boys
Gasoline by Audioslave
Superman (Glee Cast Version)
Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses
Titanium (feat. Sia) by David Guetta
The Warrior's Code by Dropkick Murphys
Funky Cold Medina by Tone-Loc
Solidarity Forever by Vayizaku
Gold on the Ceiling by The Black Keys
Friday by Rebecca Black
Black Betty by Ram Jam
Turn on the Water by The Afghan Whigs
Lose Yourself by Eminem
Shut Up and Drive by Rihanna (yes, it's a repeat)
A Cut Above by Avery Watts (yes, it's a repeat)
You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC
Big Foot by Chickenfoot

I didn't need anything past Turn On the Water because I finished the race in 1:51:30, much faster than I thought possible when I set out on my sub-2 mission. Melissa, God bless her, hung with me the whole time and even pushed me when I hit my mental wall right around mile 11. We maintained an average pace of 8'31" for 13.1 miles on a Sunday morning in September and we will talk about that morning with huge smiles on our faces FOREVER.
These are the smiles we will have FOREVER.
Photo from right after we crossed the finish.
We grabbed all the water and chocolate milk and Gatorade and bagels we could get our hands on in the finishers area, found Melissa's husband Paul and then went off to find Melissa's mom and kids and Justin. Of course, before we left we posed for some triumphant finisher's photos!

I know. I look way too cool to have just run 13.1.

Yep, we're still smiling.
Poor Justin had to listen to me randomly say 1:51:30 for the rest of the day. I couldn't help it. Even a week later it still seems a little unbelievable. I guess it will stay unbelievable until the next race - when I do something I didn't think I could possibly do. Mark your calendars for October 13th, people. That's when I will run the LBI 18 miler. Oh boy!

You would think that running a half marathon would be enough for one day, but in my world of "Do what you love and do it often" you would be wrong. So, after the half marathon, we took a quick triumphant mother runner photo in the lobby of our hotel and then Justin and I were off to the Manning Bowl back in NJ.
Melissa, Malinda, and Me after running for PRs in the RnR Philly Half
Obviously, I was wearing the shirt of the wrong Manning brother, but we had fun anyway. It was my first ever regular season NFL game so I was mostly able to overlook the fact that the Giants had a complete meltdown. We enjoyed our seats. The weather was beautiful. And we were watching the Manning brothers play some football. We also got to watch Bill Parcells receive his Hall of Fame ring in a special ceremony at halftime which wasn't nearly as exciting for Justin as it was for me. In fact, I'm pretty sure there were some not so nice words being mumbled under his breath while Parcells was speaking. At least we didn't hit any traffic on our way out since the Giants fans were kind enough to clear out early as the loss became more and more lopsided.
Giants v. Broncos 9/15/13 - Section 204
I read the Life poster again at the end of the weekend after I had returned to the rhythm of work with the excitement of the race weekend and Justin's visit behind me. The part that stuck out the most to me then was the end - "Life is short. Live your dream, and wear your passion." I feel like I have learned this lesson well in my 35 short years and I am finally doing it with gusto. I also know that nothing makes me happier than when I can take others along for an exciting adventure - whether it's running a race, taking a trip, or something even more life changing. I know I'm blessed to be able to do that and I don't plan on stopping any time soon. We get this life once and I, for one, love living it.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Technologically Advanced Grief

If Joe were still alive there would be no way that I would ever be allowed to write this post. He was much too shy and private for even this watered down version. But then again, if he were still alive there wouldn't be a need for me to write it.

Over the course of the past week, I have dealt with a facet of widowhood that I'm pretty sure was not a part of the paperwork just a generation ago. It started in March when I got the first notice from the Sperm & Embryo Bank of NJ that the annual storage fee on Joe's "account" was coming due. It's no small fee - $575 a year - to maintain the vials that were stored just prior to the start of his chemotherapy treatments.

Last year, when I got a similar notice 3 months after Joe died, I knew that it was too soon for me to make any decisions about what to do so I paid the storage fee and let it leave my mind.

This year's notice was perfectly timed to arrive just in time for my 35th birthday. It contained all the instructions I needed on how to transfer the account officially into my name (by this point they received notice Joe died) and the various options of continuing storage, donation, or destruction. It probably goes without saying that I wasn't very interested in dealing with "this" issue at "that" moment in my life. Between my birthday and my biological clock the emotions were just too overwhelming. 

So, to the bottom of my TO DO pile it went. 

Several subsequent notices always seemed to arrive when I was too busy at work or just too overwhelmed in general so they joined the initial one at the bottom of my TO DO pile. 

Before I knew it, the calendar was showing August and those nice people at SEBNJ finally decided I needed a kick in the pants. It was the "pay within 15 days or we are sending this to collections" notice that arrived a few days before my scheduled vacation time for work. I knew that I had run out of time and added "SEBNJ" to my already lengthy TO DO list for while I actually had some time off from work.

On Monday, August 5, I called SEBNJ and managed to hold it together through the 5 minute conversation with a nice woman named Sandy. She expressed her sympathy for my loss and explained to me what I needed to do in order to transfer the account officially into my name and then to officially give permission for them to destroy the vials if that was going to be my decision. She said that she would email me the instructions she had just given me along with all the necessary paperwork. After we hung up I cried.

Does anyone realize that this decision feels a little bit like your husband DYING AGAIN? There's this piece of him (that I happen to know helped create a pretty damn amazing kid not so long ago) that's still here. On earth. With me (sort of). And I'm completing a NOTICE OF DESTRUCTION for it?!

But then, I caught sight of a photo of Joe I have in the house and I pictured what he would have to say about all of this. While we didn't talk specifically about what would happen to these vials if he died, I knew my husband and the relationship we had. Every time I have contemplated this issue I have come to the same conclusion and have had the same visual of Joe laughing and saying "what are you crazy? Don't give them any more money. You have a life to live with Domani."

And so the next day, I faxed over the documents to change the account to my name. After a couple of days, I made the arrangements to have the Notice of Destruction notarized. It was Sunday and I'm quite sure that Domani had no idea what was going on when we went to visit our family friend after church. He was more talkative than normal and I was feeling peaceful after being caught by the hymn Trust and Obey during church. There was something about it that brought me calm in spite of my fears of the future. Many of those fears are wrapped up in my current relationship situation that has left me questioning whether I will actually find someone who is as interested in me as I am in him, whether I will find someone who wants to have kids, and whether any of that will happen with the timing that would make it all possible. That was what was weighing on my mind on Sunday just before I signed the Notice of Destruction and why these words especially got to me:

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies, But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt nor a fear, not a sigh nor a tear, Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief nor a loss, not a frown nor a cross, But is blest if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove the delights of His love, Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows and the joy he bestows are for them who will trust and obey.

I thought of other dark periods in my life and what it felt like then to be unsure of the future and then I realized how richly I was blessed out of that darkness. There was no question in my mind that this was the right decision, but I needed the courage to do it in the midst of uncertainty about my own hopes and dreams for the future. 

On Monday, August 12, I sent the notarized Notice of Destruction to SEBNJ. That night I had a helpful conversation with Joe's mom which brought me even more peace about the decision. Today, Thursday, August 15, I received a letter from SEBNJ acknowledging its receipt and specifying my pro-rated balance due. After opening the notice, I cried at the finality of it. Domani was there to give me a sweet hug and kiss and to "make me smile" as only he can do. Thank God for that kid.

So, now as the clock ticks past midnight and the date changes to August 16, I'm thinking back to this day 5 years ago when Joe and I were married. There are more tears as this has been a hard week and getting through tomorrow won't be easy. But I'm also right now remembering the "conversation" I had with Joe and smiling just a bit about the fact that I'll be using the balance of the money I won't be paying to SEBNJ this year to take Domani on the road for a Mets game in September. I think Joe would approve.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Five Days of Baseball Heaven in NYC - All Star Game 2013

We went back to Citifield this past Saturday for the first time since the All Star break and the only way I can describe it was surreal. You see, the five days that began with Fanfest and ended with the All Star Game on Tuesday night were about as close to baseball heaven as I think I will ever come and it was strange returning to "our" ballpark for "just another game". We had a lot of fun at Saturday's game and thankfully the Mets managed to squeak out a win against those rival Phillies, but it all just made me think wistfully of the events of the week that had just passed. I found myself glancing up towards section 510, tearing up at the leftover ASG signs and souvenirs, and flipping through the photos in my phone from the various events and games. It was no contest - those five days and everything that came with them were simply some of the most fun I've had in the last year and a half.

On Friday, I was able to bring Domani along with his cousins and his Uncle Derek to the All Star Game Fanfest at the Jacob Javits Center in NYC. We assumed that we would spend a few hours there and then have to sweep the bored kids away and return home, but we ended up spending the WHOLE day checking out as many of the exhibits as we possibly could and having a blast together. We each posed for our very own baseball cards and practiced our aim by *attempting* to throw baseballs through tires (we even got a few in). I got my ASG program autographed by John Franco. The kids got free baseballs, beads, and balloon animals/flowers/swords. We got to see items on display from the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown and got our picture taken with the World Series Trophy. We ate lunch and snacks and, of course, bought souvenirs. We packed an awful lot into 6 hours.
That smile is me visualizing the Mets bringing this to Queens in a few years (2? 3?)
Ya gotta believe, right?
Joe would be proud of his niece's Mets shirt for sure.

Posing for a quick photo by Matt Harvey's "locker" at Fanfest
Saturday had its own All Star Game festivities although this time it was off to Prospect Park in Brooklyn with my cousin Mike for the ASG 5k. We had an awesome cheering section - his girlfriend Kristin and my friend Scott - and despite the humidity I managed to beat my previous best 5k time by more than a minute and a half, finishing the course in 26:41. It was a fun race and I'm so glad I got to run it with Mike who I don't get to see very often. We already have plans to tackle another 5k soon and although I'm sure nothing will quite compare to getting a send off from Mr. Met I see another PR in my future as the weather cools off.
With Mike after the race

After the 5k I had time for a massage with Nancy before our church's annual Blueberry Festival. And then it was straightening up the house and very little sleep in anticipation of an early morning run to the Philadelphia airport to pick up my friend Justin who was flying in for the rest of the All Star game activities. We picked him up a little before 9am and could only coax Domani away from the airport by reminding him that we were going to Citifield. It was Sunday and that meant the Futures game and the Legends & Celebrity Softball Game. I was a little nervous about driving in to the game since I had been getting basically daily emails from the Mets telling us that we should take the train, but I figured that since we were traveling with a full car, including the little guy it was worth attempting the ride in. In the end, it was the easiest drive in and out of Citifield I've ever had. (Which was more than made up for on Saturday when some guy who wasn't paying attention sideswiped us on 278 in Brooklyn while we were driving home from the Mets v. Phillies game!)

Sunday was a hot day and we were relieved to discover that even though our seats were high up, they were under cover. We had a nice view just off to the right of home plate and were mercifully out of the hottest rays of the sun. As a result, we were able to tough it out through the Futures game AND the softball game that followed. It was a great afternoon and special because I was able to bring Domani along, but my favorite part was when the Mets legends were announced for the softball game. I couldn't help but think how much Joe would have loved watching Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden, Mike Piazza and John Franco take the field in that moment and I was especially moved by the tribute to Gary Carter, who passed away from brain cancer last year. And of course, it didn't hurt that Piazza got himself a nice little homerun so we could cheer like old times. So much fun!

At Sunday's games with a sleepy Domani
By the time we got home on Sunday we were all pretty tired, but it wasn't long before Justin and I were on our way back to Citifield for the Home Run Derby. After a scary incident with a parking deck elevator that just about closed with Justin's arm in it (welcome to New Brunswick!) we made the rest of the trip in without any problems (the problems would come on the trip home!)

I wasn't quite ready for the emotional roller coaster, though, that was waiting for me upon my arrival at Citifield. As I stepped down from the train station stairs and walked towards the stadium there was a VFW vet selling poppies and I immediately thought of my Grandpop. I walked around a little aimlessly as I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes - thinking of him, thinking of my Grandmom who was the biggest Mets fan of all in our family, thinking of those two things together. I was just thankful to have a friend there with me and somehow it helped keep me from completely losing it. But then, for some cosmic reason I will never understand, there was more. 

We walked inside the stadium and no sooner had we scanned our tickets and passed through the turnstile then we were handed a bag with goodies. One thing - a lanyard to hold our ticket - was pretty exciting as Justin had just been talking about buying one the day before. And now...no need - FREEBIE! But in midst of the lanyard excitement I noticed something else...Stand Up 2 Cancer was EVERYWHERE. There was a table in the Rotunda. There was a sign in our bag for us to fill in the name of someone we "stand up for". There was a guy (or a gal, I honestly can't remember) in a SU2C shirt thrusting a marker at us so we could write in the name on our sign. Damn it, I stand up to cancer every day. Every day when I get out of the bed that I used to share. Every day when I look in my son's eyes. Every day when I kill a stink bug or take out the garbage or empty the basement dehumidifier. Why do I have to do it here TOO?! I grabbed the marker, took a deep breath, looked around the Rotunda at this place we didn't get to visit together for nearly enough years and wrote his name. Once again I was glad I had a friend with me because that was one long escalator ride and subsequent walk up to our seats.

Once I was over the initial shock of having SU2C as a constant fixture for the night I decided it was actually a nice thing. The moment when they had everyone stand up with their signs was moving and it was a special way to think about Joe during an event that I know he would have loved. There was nothing like being a part of the Citifield crowd cheering for David Wright when he was announced or watching Yoenis Cespedes smack homer after homer during his 17 home run first round. I've enjoyed many home run derbys from the comfort of my couch, but there was just no comparison to this experience. The ballpark felt electric and I knew I was lucky to be sharing it with my cousin Mike, my Uncle Kevin and Justin. The whole night was so much fun, even from up in the "cheap seats".

David Wright is announced at the Home Run Derby to a cheering crowd

With my cousin Mike and Uncle Kevin
Citifield at sunset on the night of the Home Run Derby, 7/15/13

The journey home that night was a rough one. We had taken the LIRR to Citifield with ease but as we approached the station to take the train back to NY Penn Station it became obvious that something was definitely wrong. As it turned out, the 7 train was shut down due to a fire on the line so EVERYONE was trying to take the LIRR. Thankfully, I had something to distract me while we were waiting on the platform for the train - Matt Harvey! During the Derby, a friend had emailed me the YouTube video of Matt Harvey interviewing New Yorkers about Matt Harvey, so I took this as a chance for a good laugh. I ended up watching the video that night, once the next morning, and several times thereafter, laughing until I cried each time.

If nothing else our ride back to Penn Station was entertaining as a group of drunks on the train serenaded our car with their own stirring rendition of the national anthem. Unfortunately, even the dose of patriotism didn't help us make it to NY Penn in time for the earlier train to NJ so we ended up having to wait until 1:20am to head back to Jersey. The only upside was that it gave us some time to get a head start on our planned adventure for the next (really SAME day) - APPLE PHOTOS!

I call this my "1am crazy" Apple photo.
With the Boston Red Sox Apple at the Party City on West 34th.
Note the Home Run Derby LANYARD. So exciting.
We got home well after 3:30am and eventually got some sleep. Then, it was time for the All Star Game Apple Adventure. In celebration of the ASG being in NYC there were decorated apples placed throughout the city - one for each MLB team, one each for the Brooklyn Dodgers and the NY Giants, one for each of the two leagues, and one for the ASG - 35 in total. There was an Instagram contest running which you were entered if you posted at least 15 photos with the apples so Justin and I set that as our goal. (We found out after the fact that the contest ended Monday at noon, but oh well!) We had just about 3 hours from the time we arrived in NYC until the time we met Karen and Derek, the rest of our ASG crew, at NY Penn, but we managed to pay a visit to all of the following apples:

1) Boston Red Sox - Party City 223 West 34th Street between 7th & 8th Avenues
2) Arizona Diamondbacks - Modell's 1293 Broadway at 34th Street
3) Chicago Cubs - Staybridge Suites 340 West 40th Street between 8th & 9th Avenues
4) NY Yankees - Modell's 234 West 42nd Street between 7th & 8th Avenues
5) Chicago White Sox - Toys R Us 1514 Broadway at 44th Street
6) Miami Marlins - Grace Building West 43rd Street at 6th Avenue
7) Brooklyn Dodgers - Grand Central Terminal at 42nd Street
8) New York Giants - Grand Central Terminal at 42nd Street
9) Houston Astros - Westin 212 East 42nd Street between 2nd & 3rd Avenues
10) Milwaukee Brewers - Office of the Commissioner 245 Park Avenue at 46th Street
11) Toronto Blue Jays - Intercontinental 111 East 48th Street at Lexington Avenue
12) Seattle Mariners - Nintendo 10 Rockefeller Plaza at 48th Street
13) NY Mets - SNY 1271 Avenue of the Americas between 50th & 51st Streets
14) Detroit Tigers - Duane Reade 1657 Broadway between 51st and 52nd Streets

We also went by the NYC Public Library to see the Apples from the National League and the American League, but they had already been removed. As it turned out they had been taken to Citifield so that the players could sign them. All of the apples are now being auctioned off (including the league ones signed by all of the ASG players) here. As a bonus at the library though we did get to see their Honus Wagner baseball card so that was definitely worth the stop. The card, by the way, was much smaller than either of us imagined it would be (just in case you were wondering).

So, without further ado...a sampling of our Apple pics...

My attempt at a badass pose with the Brewers Apple.


No, Justin, the Miami Marlins Apple does not need security.

Corporate branding at its best/worst.
Geoffrey jumped right in this photo.

If I had a broom, I would have been sweeping this Apple away.

Ah, finally I get to pose with the Mets Apple!
I can't believe I actually took a picture of him doing this.
After our Manhattan Apple Adventure, we headed back to NY Penn Station to meet Karen & Derek who were arriving at 5:30 to join us on the LIRR train to Citifield. The four of us together made for a fun crew - Derek for the Red Sox, Karen for the Yankees, Justin for the Marlins and me for my Mets - a perfect balance between American League and National League with some good rivalries thrown in. Once we arrived at Citifield, there was the disappointment of not getting another lanyard (What? NO All Star Game LANYARD?!) and then, after having a beer with Derek and Karen it was up to good old section 510. I could definitely feel the emotions welling up as I looked around the stadium at all the fabulous orange and blue and took in the beautiful night. We were at the All Star Game. At Citifield.


The pre-game ceremony was tough for me, mostly because every piece of it made me think of Joe. I always get a little choked up during the National Anthem at baseball games, but there was definitely something special about this moment that really got me. Karen noticed and I'm glad she was there to give me a hug like only a sister can. When Tom Seaver aka "The Franchise" came out to throw the first pitch the tears were freely flowing because at that point I couldn't help but put myself back in my living room watching the final pitch at Shea Stadium with Joe in 2008. We were newlyweds and of course had no idea what was ahead for us, but my eyes were filled with tears then too as we watched Seaver throw that final pitch to Mike Piazza to close out play at the stadium where we had made so many amazing memories together.

Tom Seaver prepares to throw out the first pitch.
When Seaver threw that pitch to David Wright before the start of the All Star Game it did feel like Joe was there too. All those memories we had from Shea and then Citifield were somehow wrapped up in that moment. I have found many paths for healing in the midst of my grief since Joe died and baseball has definitely been one of them. For that, I am thankful beyond words. A ceremonial first pitch and a hug from my sister - two simple things that made a big difference on a night I will never forget.

And then, the game actually started! I can't begin to describe how exciting it was to watch Matt Harvey start the All Star Game at Citifield, even if he did start it by giving up a double and then hitting Robinson Cano. I'm glad he was classy about it and that he settled down for the rest of his appearance - giving us 3 strikeouts to cheer for and not giving up any runs. I do love me some Matt Harvey. And some David Wright. On a night that was short on hits for the National League, our hometown hero managed to notch the 2nd hit for the League, giving all of us in orange and blue a little something to cheer about. Even though I was a little disappointed that the American League pulled out the win, I'm glad that the 4 of us watching from section 510 got to see some good moments.

Justin saw his lone Marlin pitch a perfect 6th inning.

Karen got to watch Mo Rivera pitch in what will most likely be his last All Star Game ever. Derek got to say that he sat while everyone else stood while Mo Rivera came out to pitch in what will most likely be his last All Star Game ever. 

We all had a great time.

With Derek

With Justin

With Karen

And just like that...it was over much too quickly. The American League won 3-0. It was time to catch the LIRR back to NY Penn Station and wait again for the 1:20am train back to Jersey. Another late night that was well worth the sleep we sacrificed.

Justin and I did manage to nab our final Apple shot after the game when Karen snapped a photo of us next to the All Star Game one outside the stadium. We may have missed the contest deadline, but at least we got our 15.

With Apple #15 at Citifield!




Monday, July 1, 2013

Mommy, I want to go see the Mets today!

It started with him wanting some Mets popcorn. First thing this morning.

Then he was explaining how he wanted to go to Citifield. 

Mommy, I want to go see the Mets today!

But we couldn't possibly go today. I had to work today. Even though it was a Sunday. Even though I wish I could play hooky.

Even though Zack Wheeler was pitching his first home game. We couldn't possibly go today. I had to work today.

I felt the tears in the corners of my eyes as I proceeded to get myself ready for work. He was crying too. Then, I picked him up to console him and the conversation got more difficult.

I miss Daddy.

I want to see the Mets with Daddy.

He pointed at a family photo that hangs on my bedroom wall.
And then we were both crying.

And then it was...It's ok, mommy.

Daddy is in heaven. He is ok. He's with Great Peepaw.

And then later in the car while we were driving to my mom's house, he was pretending to talk to her on the phone - Hi Meemaw. I miss Daddy. 

Yeah, kid. I do too. Especially on days like these.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Superman: Man of Steel Hope

It's been out for two weeks so it was really about time that I saw it. There was just something about going to see THIS movie though that I knew was going to be extra hard. It was, after all, Superman. And for reasons that I could probably never do justice in a blog post, Superman is special. Joe was my Superman.

The tattoo I got a few months after Joe died.

So I revert for a moment to an old blog post to tell my story about the meaning of Superman. The very first post I wrote...

Superman
Written October 13, 2011 2:12pm
Many times over the past year and a half I have told Joe that he is my Superman and I think there is no time that has been more true than these past few weeks. After powering through intense radiation on his spine, he had surgery this past Tuesday to deal with the accumulating fluid in his lung. In the end, more than 2 liters of fluid was drained both through the surgery and using the catheter that was placed. (Imagine, a 2 liter bottle of soda - that's a LOT!) It's no wonder that he is now breathing easier!

In the midst of it all, we celebrated a very HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY with our little man and enjoyed all the love and support from family and friends. Domani enjoyed his birthday cupcake on Tuesday although he seemed more interested in eating his party hat (he'll learn)! The time has just gone by so quickly and we are looking forward to celebrating with the whole family this Saturday.

Joe started back with his chemo treatments today after a long hiatus for his radiation. Here's to hoping that this helps him find relief for some of his symptoms and that he is able to fully enjoy the party on Saturday.


Back to the present day and the fact that the man who normally would take me to see the new Superman movie is no longer here with me. Earlier this week, I was in Orlando for work and I met up with Joe's cousin Tony after he got out of work late one night. We found ourselves at Universal CityPlace standing in front of the movie theater and wouldn't you know it...neither of us had seen Man of Steel. And there was an IMAX showing in 40 minutes. OF COURSE that was what we were going to do.

I'm so happy that I saw Man of Steel with him because I needed that connection with Joe when I saw it. When Joe and I went to see Superman Returns in 2006, he was healthy. We had been dating for awhile but we weren't engaged yet. Our world was very different. 

I warned Tony ahead of time that I would almost definitely cry at the movie. And cry I did.

Not just at the obvious connections to Joe and the fact that this was "Superman" without him. But also at the poignant scene in the beginning where Jor-El and Lara say goodbye to their infant son and shed tears over all of the things they will not get to see him do. I know a little something about shedding tears over things a father won't get to see a son do. I feel like I do it almost every day. And then there were the flashbacks towards the end when Clark's mom is talking about him becoming the man his dad always knew he would be and you see the young Clark running around with a cape on his back. Just like my little guy does. Oh how sweet. And bitter.

It was hard and wonderful at the same time. In this movie there is a scene with Lois and Superman where he explains that the "S" on his chest means "hope" on his planet. That line has sat with me ever since. I definitely didn't realize when I was getting my Joe memorial tattoo that I was also permanently marking myself with hope. I like that more than words can say.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Father's Day with the Mets

I made the decision about what to do on Father's Day months ago and the honest truth is that I made it haphazardly without any thought at all. I selected Sunday, June 16 as one of the dates in my Mets ticket pack without even making the connection that it would be Father's Day, but as I look back on today I feel like there was definitely a case of divine intervention in my supposedly random ticket plan selection.

Up until last week I wasn't sure who was going to come with my little guy and me to the game since I assumed most people would be busy with other Father's Day plans. I was preparing myself for the possibility that it would just be the two of us. But sometimes life happens and both of my parents ended up being able to join us for the game. What a blessing that turned out to be!

We cheered like good fans through 8 1/2 innings of uninspiring Mets baseball.  By the time we came to the bottom of the 9th I have to admit that I wasn't feeling like we had much of a chance. The Mets had only 2 wins so far in June. They had plenty of scoring opportunities already in today's game, but couldn't manage to put even a single run across the plate. And then there was the pitiful display of fielding in the 5th inning which has blooper reel written all over it. Nieuwenhuis, who came to bat with two on and  1 out in the bottom of the 9th, hadn't hit a major league homerun since June 23, 2012. He had just been called back up again from AAA. The causes for hope were slim.

Even so, it had been a nice day with my son and my parents. My Dad and I got excited when we saw my tweet which mentioned him up on the Citifield scoreboard. We had a blast watching my little popcorn machine make quick work of his giant box of popcorn. I was even bold enough to tell my Dad that the Mets never lose when I get something up on the big screen. (Surely that was destined to be a jinx!) It had been a fun day and I wanted to remember it. So just before the bottom of the 9th with the Mets down 0-3, I moved over to where my Dad was sitting and posed for this photo. 

We were having a nice time together in spite of the Mets lackluster performance. And then Marlon Byrd led off the inning with a homerun. The apple went up. My son was on cloud nine. We all were having just a little bit more fun.

Duda walked. Buck came up with a hit. Quintanilla (whose name my son LOVES to say) advanced the runners on a bunt. All of a sudden they were looking like a real major league team. I almost felt bad for being a cranky Mets fan and changing the lyrics in Take Me Out to the Ballgame to "if they don't win, it's the Mets". I remember mouthing something to the effect of "Joe, there is no way this is going to happen, is there...just as Nieuwenhuis was stepping to the plate. 

He took the first pitch for a ball and then wouldn't you know it, he cranked that second pitch firmly out to the Pepsi Porch. The familiar strains of Takin' Care of Business started filling the ballpark and tears just started streaming down my cheeks. I hope my parents don't mind my saying that they both got teary too. This was an emotional day not just because Joe wasn't there, but also because my mom just lost her Dad two weeks ago. This was a sweet and hopeful ending to a day that came with a lot of sadness. (The little guy cried too, but that was because he was shocked at all the noise from the homerun. Once he realized it meant that the Mets won, he was fine.)

Those Mets who in the 5th inning couldn't even seem to manage a simple game of catch thrilled us all with a bottom of the 9th we could smile about all the way home. Or in my case, all the way to the cemetery because after that I definitely needed to have a "chat" with my little guy's Dad. As is the case these days when I go I didn't spend a long time there, but it was long enough to give his brother a few hugs, shed a few tears, and acknowledge how thankful I am for the lessons of hope he has always brought into my life - and that, somehow, even though he is no longer here with us physically, he still brings.