Monday, January 6, 2014
My Ultimate Destiny
Last night I had a tough conversation with one of my best friends. He and I have become close over the past year and a half and up until last night it seemed to me like things were moving in a romantic direction, although at a snail's pace. The details aren't important, but the bottom line is that I had fallen for him...hard.
He was a part of many of my biggest moments from this past year and again, without belaboring the details, I had hoped he would be there for many more.
But, the time had come for us to have "the relationship talk" and so last night it happened. It went pretty much the way I suspected (and feared) it would.
Just friends. No romantic feelings.
And I felt the heartbreak and the anger and the loss well up inside me. I had already made a decision for myself that if the conversation went anything like this it would be my cue to dial back from the relationship for awhile. I have no idea how long that will be, but given that we would interact pretty much daily it's a big change even if it's just for a few weeks. I'll need time to deal with my anger, heal my heart, and get my mind straight.
Who knows how long that will take. I guess that's the danger of falling for your best friend - you risk losing out on the friendship too when the romantic part doesn't work.
Thankfully, I have an amazing support network including my mom who was full of hugs and a comforting backrub and two girlfriends who texted back and forth with me last night until I found the strength to get to sleep.
In the morning, it was another exchange with my little guy that got me right in the gut. I went into his room to say good morning and as soon as I saw his sweet face I felt the tears welling up. He knows his mommy and, of course, he noticed. He asked me why I was sad and I tried to give him the 3 year old version.
LG: Let me see what I can offer you...my blankie or my turtle?
Me: "I'll take your turtle."
I reach for it and give it a big hug. He pets the turtle and looks up into my eyes.
LG: "Can I have my turtle back?"
I give it back to him and we turn on the lights inside of it.
LG: "I can hold your hand for a little while, ok mommy?"
Yeah, buddy, you bet. Then, it was time for another Jake and the Pirates serenade. This kid knows what he's doing.
Today was hard, but I've done hard before. I know that somehow, at some point down the road, things will be alright. I always knew this relationship was a long shot for a lot of reasons and I don't regret a single minute of it. I can't say I understand the progression of what has happened, but I do know that I can't control other people, only myself. And I will not let this keep me from doing all that I can to live my life to its fullest. And I'm determined to not let it hold me back from opening myself up to a future relationship. My life has taught me there just isn't time for anything less.
So, at the point this afternoon when I was most feeling like I needed to just reach out to my best friend, I know there was a Higher Power at play, because up popped a Facebook notification. A special friend had written a response to my 13 in 2013 blog post. The part that gave me the reassurance I needed was this...
"I stumbled across this quote recently. It is certainly appropriate to post it here since you are LIVING this..... “It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.”
The quote is from Anthony Robbins and it had me in tears and set my heart at peace. I can't thank Marieke enough for posting it at that moment, even though she had no idea what I was going through today. No matter how difficult things feel right now, no matter how much I miss my friend and wish things could be different, it's my decisions about how to move forward that matter.
And while the song I can't get out of my head right now is "Can't Stop Lovin' You" by Van Halen, at some point, it will get easier. This is going to be a painful time, but I have things to focus on - marathon training, my church, my job, my family. I choose to do that and hope that it leads me eventually back to my friend because I already miss him.