Monday, May 13, 2013

When It Doesn't Feel Like Mother's Day

When I woke up this morning it was Mother's Day, but aside from the endless stream of posts when I logged onto Facebook you wouldn't have known it in my house. My little guy is still too little to make breakfast in bed or have a gift ready for his Mommy or even to know that he should run in and say "Happy Mother's Day". He would have been coached by his Dad on all those things and undoubtedly Joe would have been very good at it. Today is one of those days when his presence is really missed.
At my parents' house after my run.

Domani and I shared a tender moment this morning when he sensed my sadness and in an exchange we have had many times over the last year he asked if I was missing Daddy and I told him yes. He said that Daddy wasn't here, but was in heaven and that he missed him too. Then, he gave me a hug and kiss and used his fingers to "make me smile" by turning up the corners of my mouth. Really, who needs a present with a kid who takes care of his mom like that. 

There were two other thoughtful gestures which made my morning. Right in the midst of my tough time, I received a personalized Happy Mother's Day text message from two good friends. They were perfectly timed and while I'm sure these two amazing guys have no idea how important their texts were in inspiring me through my day, I'm thankful they came when they did because I was feeling alone and needed the boost.

Church was uneventful and afterwards, I decided to act on my overwhelming desire to go visit Joe's mom. I was missing him and just really wanted to see her and make sure that Domani got to see her too. So, we started the 1 hour and 20 minute drive which was only interrupted by a quick stop to pick up something for lunch and a bouquet of flowers. I knew she would be surprised by our visit, but I didn't realize until I read her most recent blog post before leaving the Stop & Shop parking lot just how poignant the scene of Domani bringing her the Mother's Day flowers would be for her. We both had some tears in our eyes. It was so good to see her on this day which is difficult for a million reasons.

On the way to Joe's mom's I was still feeling down. It seemed like everyone around me whether it was in real life or on Facebook was just having a grand old Mother's Day time. What I really wanted to do was post how sad it felt to be a single mom to a toddler who couldn't really interact with you on Mother's Day. Then, it was my iPhone shuffle to the rescue. Seasons of Love came on and I sang along as loud as I could, tears streaming. I let it repeat a few times. Later on, I used the lyrics as my status on Facebook. I thought it was a way to be honest about my feelings on this day without raining on everyone else's happiness.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strike

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love.

(From Seasons of Love, RENT Soundtrack)

During our visit, Domani was his usual charming self. After their dog wagged his tail in Domani's face and I explained that means he is happy, Domani proceeded to stand up, shake his butt and tell us "I wagging my tail!" We all got a good laugh out of that one. He also rode the goose statue that is next to the fireplace and tried to sneak as many pretzels as he could out of Grandma's bag of pretzels. We had a lovely afternoon and as always happens it was time to go way before either of us were really ready to leave.
Riding the goose (or is that a swan?)

From Ocean County we traveled back up Route 539 to South Brunswick for some time with my parents, my grandparents, and my sister and her family. After a delicious dinner made by my Dad, I went for a 5 1/2 mile tempo run. It was refreshing and included a beautiful moment right around mile 4 when the song Seasons of Love came on my shuffle just as I was turning a corner to head downhill. The sky was open, blue, and gorgeous above me and I felt so connected to Joe that the tears just flowed as I was running down the hill. It was a wonderful release after what had been a very emotional day.

Measure in love indeed. Thankfully, I have a lot of it - both given and received.

1 comment:

  1. Writing is a journey, isn’t it? I know it is for me. As I examine my feelings, I find myself exploring pathways that I may never have thought of going down.
    By the end I am usually quite surprised by the many beautiful flowers I have picked along the way.
    In your post today, you began your journey in the darkness of grief and loneliness. As you start to reflect, you begin to notice the beams of lights in your life which are always there to help guide you towards love.
    I admit I am normally quite the skeptic about things that cannot be logically or readily explained to me.
    But on this Mother’s Day, I do believe there was, undeniably, a Joe intervention.
    Anne, you carry that light. Thank you for yesterday. Your visit was a bouquet of sheer joy for me.