Monday, December 15, 2014
The Hard Truth. Some Days I Just Don't Want to Do This Anymore
I just don't want to do this anymore. Any of it.
The constant exhaustion. The loneliness. The single working mom dance. The flood of decisions that death still demands. The home repairs and car repairs that wait for my attention. The bills that have to be paid. The dating rejection. The 4 year old temper tantrums. The Christmas planning. The day that ends before I even noticed it began. The emptiness. The tears.
I didn't sign up for this. I signed up for the photos I see on Facebook of the families in front of Christmas trees. For the life partner who knows what I'm going to say before I even say it. For someone to help me shop and wrap and celebrate with my son...with OUR son.
I didn't sign up for cancer and I'm fucking pissed. It's been three years since Joe died and for the last two weeks it feels like everything has been triggering about what Domani and I are missing. The benefits notice I got from HR that still had me marked as "married" with the "event" date being the day Joe died. The constant stream of birth and pregnancy announcements accompanied by an unexpected return to the spot where Joe and I went for prenatal classes. The Thanksgiving photo of Joe's siblings and his Dad and the emptiness that filled me as I watched it being taken.
Everything about this feels unfair and some days I just don't want to do any of it anymore.
Some days I think that someone else could do it better - this single mom organizing for justice thing.
Some days I think that someone else could do it better - this maintaining a household thing.
Some days I think that someone else could do it better - this raising OUR son thing.
Some days I hit rock bottom and cry a lot. Some days I even throw things or find something to punch.
Today, I did all of those things and still didn't know how I would dig out.
And then OUR son grabbed a wrapping paper tube and put it in the pocket of his sweatpants like it was a light saber. He told me he was ready to fight the bad guys.
If he can be ready to fight, then I can find the courage too.
Some days I think that God has this little guy in my life to remind me to keep pushing on.
Newsflash... I wasn't magically better after the wrapping paper tube as light saber incident, but it gave me the courage to share what I needed to with a friend who called when he said he would.
Some days that's all we need to make it through to the morning sun.